Resurrecting Sex summary

To the outside world, Peter and Judy had the ideal relationship. They got along well and never argued. But they had a secret: their sex life was practically nonexistent.

This wasn’t something new; even at the beginning of their relationship, sex had been a problem. Judy had arousal difficulties, and Peter didn’t try to encourage her – he preferred not to disrupt the peace. 

For years, Judy depended on Peter to accept that she didn’t want to have sex; her reflected sense of self remained that of a loving wife. Peter depended on Judy’s support, so he usually held back from proposing anything that might upset her. If Peter made a sexual advance toward Judy, she’d dismiss him, saying, “All you ever think about is sex!” This challenged his sense of self-worth. He told himself that if he were patient, things would improve.

But the situation didn’t change. He could no longer ignore the fact that by giving in to Judy, he was compromising his own selfhood. That’s when Peter broke their emotional gridlock by holding on to himself. You hold on to yourself when you confront who you are and then do what you think is right – even if it’s uncomfortable or if you have doubts.

Vivian had been married for two years when her arousal problems started. Sex was suddenly incredibly painful – and her doctor couldn’t figure out what was wrong. Still, Vivian’s husband demanded intercourse, so Vivian suffered through the pain in an attempt to save her marriage. This caused her to develop a condition called vaginismus – when the muscles of the vagina squeeze or spasm tightly, preventing anything from entering it. Then her husband started having affairs.

They divorced, and later, Vivian finally received an accurate diagnosis: inflammation in the gland ducts of her labia. She underwent laser surgery to correct the pain, but the vaginismus persisted. When she started dating Armand, she nervously disclosed the truth about her condition. But Armand was happy to patiently work through the problem with her.

By the time Jack and Brenda landed in the author’s office, Brenda was furious. It had taken her 20 years to muster the courage to ask Jack to seek help about his premature orgasm – and then it took him another 20 years to actually do it.

Jack apologized for his insensitivity but acted as though his orgasm problem wasn’t that big of a deal. The author then asked Brenda to put herself in Jack’s shoes – to imagine spending 40 years disappointing the person you love most, feeling too humiliated and ashamed to get help. He asked Jack if he'd described the experience accurately, and Jack confirmed.

When Cindy and Boyd had sex, Cindy didn’t enjoy herself much. She took a long time to orgasm, and Boyd’s hands or mouth would get tired. In order to orgasm faster, Cindy would have to break her emotional connection with Boyd and access a trigger fantasy.

On top of this, Cindy was keeping a secret. She didn’t think Boyd would approve of her erotic fantasies, so she retreated to the internet for sexual satisfaction – browsing porn sites and exchanging erotic messages with strangers.

Today, there are many safe and effective treatments for sexual dysfunction. But many people turn to new medical technology in order to avoid confronting the underlying emotional problems in their relationships or within themselves.

As we’ve learned, resurrecting sex requires a multidimensional approach that takes a couple’s mental framework into account. No pill or device can remedy emotional problems. In fact, many people expecting a quick fix discover that pills and sex toys actually cause hidden problems to surface in their relationship.