Better Sex Through Mindfulness summary

Sex is often regarded as solely a physical act. But that’s not the whole picture. There are clear connections between the way we think and our experience of sex.

For one, there’s a clear correlation between depression and sex drive. In general, the more depressed you are, the less interest you’ll have in sex, and sometimes vice versa.

How often have you answered the question “How are you?” with the all-encompassing response, “Busy!”

Many of us are stressed out, with multiple demands on our brain at any one time. According to annual studies by the American Psychological Association, as many as a third of Americans report extreme stress in their daily lives, and have done so since 2013.

When you think of meditation, perhaps images of Buddhist monks spring to mind. But today, mindfulness meditation is widespread. From Google executives to the US Department of Defense, many people and organizations are practicing mindfulness to improve attention, focus and well-being. So what does it involve?

A typical mindfulness exercise uses your breath, or a part of your body, as an anchor point to focus on and keep you in the present.

What does snacking on raisins have to do with mindfulness and sex? Well, if you’re new to mindfulness meditation, the raisin exercise is a great starting point.

Brotto uses it in her mindfulness therapy groups. If you’re in the group, you’ll be given a raisin, and asked to observe it as if for the first time. Note its form, size and color. Smell it, and notice the sensation as your body reacts to the various aromas. Slowly move it between two fingers. How does it feel? Place it against your lips. Take note of the sensation. How does your mouth react to its presence? Put it in your mouth, but don’t bite. Roll it around. What do you sense? Finally, slowly, carefully take a bite. Feel the burst of flavor. Can you differentiate between the different tastes? Chew very slowly, and follow its journey down the throat.

Perhaps this has happened to you. You’ll be watching a sex scene in a movie or listening to a sexy story, and your body begins to show signs of arousal, such as vaginal lubrication, and yet your mind remains detached, dominated by one definite thought: “I’m not turned on.”

Well, this discordance is normal in women.

Many women feel a great sense of shame about their bodies. They avoid undressing in front of their partners, or move their partner’s hand away from a part of their body that they dislike. In addition, many women – and their partners – often have inaccurate or negative ideas about their genitals.

As a society, we tend to be uncomfortable talking about women’s genitals. This is reflected in how we talk vaguely of “the vagina” when referring to a women’s vulva, vagina and genital region.

We tend to associate sex with pleasure. But what if your experience is anything but pleasurable?

Fifteen percent of women in North America experience regular pain during sex – specifically a sharp pain generated by even the softest touch to the vulva or vagina.