Love Worth Making summary

Many therapists and sex help books will tell you that sex can be summed up as “friction plus fantasy.” But couples who have tried and failed to reignite their desire know that there’s more to it than that. There’s something else that’s missing, something more elusive: the feeling of true arousal.

Three psychological changes happen when we’re aroused. First, we feel captivated, are absorbed, and lose all sense of time. Next, we regress to a more primitive, selfish state of mind. Finally, we feel good about ourselves – like our partners can really see us. Formulas can be quite useless in the pursuit of arousal. But there are certain rules of the heart you can learn to help cultivate the ideal conditions for arousal to thrive. 

The key message here is: Reaching true arousal is possible once you’ve learned how to nurture your sexual self.

Rules of the heart need to be understood more than they need to be followed. They exist in a realm of genuine connection and authenticity. Here, you’ll find your sexual self: a highly personal, erotic feeling. It’s marked not by lust, but by gratitude and awe.

The sexual self is very honest, but its vocabulary is mostly limited to “yes” or “no.” Trying to force the sexual self to turn a “no” into a “yes” will pretty much guarantee bad sex.

This is what happened to Carmen, who couldn’t feel anything during sex with her husband Scott. She got aroused when they’d kiss on the couch in the living room. But once they’d moved to the bedroom, she’d become fixated on the worry that there was something “wrong” with her – and mentally shut down.

What most people don’t realize is that they’re responsible for their own arousal. So the author suggested that Carmen do two things to set the mood for herself. First, ask Scott not to try to make her climax – she worried he’d get upset if she didn’t, which pulled her out of the moment. Second, if she felt turned on when they were on the couch, then try staying on the couch. 

The next week, Carmen reported that their couch sex was more erotic. But she was still distressed. She confessed that she gave herself orgasms the “wrong way”: in the bathtub, with her clitoris under running water.

The author told her that she wasn’t doing anything wrong. But the belief that she was damaged had garnered a lot of power over the years. For her sexual self to be happy, it needed acceptance. Reassured, Carmen gave herself an orgasm for the first time with her hands a few weeks later. And during sex with Scott, she was able to hold on to her arousal – and finally climax in her husband’s arms.