Love Unfu*ked summary

What do you do when your bike’s tire is slightly flat? You probably pump it back up, then forget about it. At least until next week when it’s slightly flat again. Maybe you don’t have the time to fix the leak, or the money to replace it, and it’s not that bad, right? It’s still doing its job as a tire, most of the time. So you pump it up, ride around for another week or so, then pump it up again.

For a lot of people, this tire is their relationship. Whether you’re stuck in an anxiety-inducing marriage or convincing yourself that you’re happy being alone, you’re filling and refilling that same leaky relationship tire, in one way or another.

Eventually, it just becomes a way of life; part of the routine. Fill the tire. Ignore the problems. Swallow your misery for another night. Soon you’ve forgotten what it’s like to even have a perfectly functioning bike – or a satisfying relationship. But the thing is, not falling apart isn’t the same as working properly. You’re going to have to face this truth if you’re going to reinvent your relationship. It’s time to fix that tire.

You can start by taking a good look at your current relationship and what you bring to it.

What’s it based around? Maybe you wanted what your parents had, or the opposite of that. Or maybe you’re holding it up to some standard; that perfect relationship we talked about earlier.

In other words, you’ve been thinking in terms of how things should or shouldn’t be. And you’ve been expecting your partner to fit into that role – to complete that missing part of you.

But that’s not their problem if they don’t; that’s yours. Your view that a relationship should be a certain way may be the very thing keeping you from having love.

Because at the end of the day, the only thing you can control is yourself: how you act and react, and your perspectives and expectations. That’s all on you.

Try to see yourself for who you are – your moods, your jealousies, your irritating habits. It’s your responsibility to manage that person because that’s all you can do.

So make an agreement with yourself, right now. Ask yourself whether you’re willing to persistently monitor and stay on top of all your destructive habits. If your answer is yes, then you might still have a chance.

But what about your partner and their destructive habits? Well, what about them? You can’t control them and you shouldn’t expect to. This is about you, and what you do and don’t do.