Intimacy & Desire summary

Meet Connie and Brett – a couple that did think their relationship was failing. Brett (the high desire partner) felt that Connie (the low desire partner) was unfairly “withholding” sex from him out of spite. Meanwhile, Connie felt utterly powerless. After all, she couldn’t just will herself to feel desire. Brett made this worse by blaming Connie for her low desire, making her feel not only powerless but guilty. Rather than seeing their desire problem as a natural result of the relationship ecosystem, they both pinned the blame on Connie.

You already know that there's always a low desire partner (the LDP) and a high desire partner (the HDP). Now it’s time to introduce another constant – the real issue at the root of Brett and Connie’s problems. 

If you encounter desire problems in your relationship, you might nostalgically look back on the early days of fiery passion, when you couldn't keep your hands off one another. You’re probably wondering, Where did we go wrong? But here's the thing: there's a reason the initial phase of infatuation comes to an end and can't be recaptured. The answer lies in evolutionary science.

According to anthropologist Helen Fisher, that initial love-drunk feeling is what helped our ancient ancestors focus on one particular partner. And it plays the same role today. But our brains are not built to remain in this supercharged state forever. After you’ve selected your partner and the relationship continues, your brain chemistry changes. 

Let’s say you get home after a lousy day at work. You decide to sulk in front of the TV as you wait for your partner to come home and cheer you up. But when he gets in, you don’t get so much as a kiss hello before he announces he’s had an exhausting day and rushes off to sleep. Disappointed, you go to bed that night feeling as upset as ever. You wonder, Doesn’t he care? Why didn’t he try to cheer me up?

Most of us, after all, enter relationships expecting to feel valued and understood by our partner. But what happens when he or she isn’t able to fulfill your expectations 24/7? 

Sally had been faking orgasms since she first got together with Robert. At first, this was Sally’s way of supporting both her and Robert’s reflected sense of self, since he seemed satisfied with himself – and with her – when she moaned. 

This played out over years – until Sally reached a breaking point. She was ready to give up her reflected sense of self by coming clean about her lies. But what would happen to Robert’s self-image as a result?

Let’s say you're lying in bed and your partner starts rubbing your back. You recognize the cue for sex immediately – it’s been the same since the very beginning. So you get into gear and go through the motions. You’ve done this enough times to know how it works, right?

Except, lately, something is missing. The routine that once sent sparks flying suddenly feels a little . . . boring. Is it finally time to make a change between the bedsheets? 

We’ve seen how couples are reluctant to change up their sexual routines, and how this can be damaging. This was the case for Ellen and Regina: Ellen frequently wanted to have sex, while Regina was reluctant to do it in their usual way because it never really aroused her. Yet every time Ellen tried to introduce something new, Regina would become anxious and freeze. Eventually, Ellen became so discouraged by Regina’s reactions that she gave up trying altogether. 

In this scenario, Ellen’s accommodation of Regina’s anxieties led to an impasse in their sex life. Since neither Ellen nor Regina was willing to meet the other halfway, they reached what the author terms gridlock.

We’ve talked a lot about the importance of self-confrontation in romance. But how can you go on a mutual journey of self-growth with your partner? How can you work together to reawaken intimacy? And how can you translate this into sex?

The answer lies in building a strong collaborative alliance with your partner – an unwritten agreement to consistently work together toward the common benefit of the relationship. And it proves to be more effective than advice on sexual positions.