The Way of the Superior Man summary

Purpose is the core of a man’s being: it’s the force that animates and drives him. Without it, he’s liable to feel disconnected, dissociated, and weak. His life, meanwhile, becomes colorless and repetitive. He’s left without a sense of depth, and that absence of purpose affects every facet of his life – including his relationships. A man without purpose struggles to be a good partner and, often, struggles to be good at anything at all.

Take work. When he lacks purpose, a job becomes a means to an end. It’s something to be gotten through. It has no meaning beyond satisfying his most basic needs for food and shelter. His social life is no different. Without that animating spark, his engagement with the world is reduced to a series of pointless moments that don’t really go anywhere. 

One of the greatest challenges a man faces in life is uncovering his core purpose. The journey to discovering this purpose, however, often begins with an essential question: is the mission he feels called to truly his own, or is it something unconsciously inherited from his father? One man might feel compelled to follow in his father’s footsteps and become a firefighter, while another might rebel against his father by becoming an arsonist instead. In both cases, neither man has uncovered his true destiny.

The only way out of this problem is to move through it, penetrating through the layers of lesser purposes that surround the core. Often, that’s a matter of inhabiting each false purpose to its fullest extent, exhausting its potential as a way of living and finally discarding it. For example, a man whose deepest purpose is to discover God may only realize his calling after living many “false” lives dedicated to pursuing sexual gratification, chasing after money, or using drugs. Only then can he get down to the real work of immersing himself in spiritual practice. 

Intimacy is a shared act of service, a partnership where both individuals help each other grow and deepen their love. It’s how we become better versions of ourselves. It’s also how we can master the art of giving. That’s why we desire relationships: serving another is how we grow and learn to truly love. 

Yet relationships are often frustrating. Men often ask themselves why their partners can’t simply handle their emotions on their own. Why do their mood swings seem so sudden and unpredictable? Why can’t their partner just be happy? Unable to answer these questions, they begin to feel worn down. They stop loving and start resenting. 

What is it that draws a certain man to a particular woman? It’s a deceptively simple question, yet one that has caused frustration and confusion for centuries. 

If we imagine sexuality as a spectrum, we can identify one pole at either end: the masculine and the feminine. Men and women can be more or less masculine or feminine; mostly, their characters combine a mixture of traits associated with both concepts. But if you’re closer to the former pole and have a masculine sexual essence, it’s difference that attracts you. That’s why the question men have often asked – why can’t women be more like, well, men? – leads nowhere. The masculine is always attracted to its sexual reciprocal: its opposite, the feminine.