Smitten summary

Limerence is an altered state of mind. In the 1970s, the American psychologist Dorothy Tennov, who invented the term “limerence,” interviewed people about their experiences. Many of them felt transported into a new mode of being. Their thoughts, motivations, and emotions were reorganized around a single goal – winning reciprocation from their limerent object. Their obsession was all-consuming.

As a neuroscientist, Tom Bellamy found himself wondering – does the brain really have mechanisms that can switch us into such a powerful romantic obsession? While neuroscience can’t yet provide a complete explanation, we can map limerence onto three interacting neural systems – arousal, reward, and bonding.

While limerence can make us feel “crazy,” it isn’t considered a mental illness. In fact, it’s surprisingly common. Based on his own research, Bellamy estimates that around half of adults in the UK and US will experience limerence at some point in their lives. And while it can feel all-consuming, it doesn’t last forever. In time, the obsession fades, and we move on.

So, looking at the big picture, is limerence a gift or a curse? For Bellamy, the answer is “both.”

Unfortunately, however, there are times when limerence becomes a crisis. You know you need to get over them…but how?

According to Bellamy, recovery has two sides. On one side, limerence is driven by deep brain systems of arousal, reward, and bonding, which cannot simply be switched off. On the other, it is shaped by your own history: the unmet needs, emotional patterns, and personal vulnerabilities that made this particular person feel so intoxicating. Lasting freedom means working with both sides at once: interrupting the addictive patterns in the present, while also understanding why this person became so powerful in the first place.

If recovery is the goal, good intentions aren’t enough. You can’t escape limerence by repeating the same behaviors that built the obsession in the first place.

This is where knowledge of neuroscience can help us. The brain’s reward circuitry links cues, pleasure, and action into tight habit loops. Over time, these loops run with minimal input from your rational, executive brain. That’s why limerent behaviors such as checking your phone, replaying conversations, and drifting into fantasy start to feel automatic. You act first and think later. Autopilot has taken over.

Breaking free from limerence is not the endpoint – it’s the beginning. The aim is to build a life so purposeful that you’re no longer vulnerable to the negative effects of limerence.

Drifting through life creates psychological vulnerability. When we’re unclear about what we truly want, we’re more likely to latch onto a person who seems to promise meaning. Purposeful living is the antidote. It means making deliberate choices aligned with your values, and steering your life rather than being steered by impulse.