Never Split the Difference summary

“Cheeseburger, no onions, sure. And for you?” Have you ever experienced this situation – where a waiter repeats your order after you say it? This is called mirroring, and it’s a technique you can use to develop trust with someone. 

Trust is a key element in negotiation. It’ll give you information about how the other person thinks and feels. And by understanding their wants and needs, you’ll be able to predict how they’ll act. This is where active listening comes in.

Listening can shed light on someone’s emotions – the main instruments for a successful negotiation. A psychotherapist dives deep into their patient’s emotions to understand their problems and get them to change their behavior. In the same way, the more you can understand your counterpart’s emotions, the more you can influence their actions to your advantage.

Picture this situation. You’ve waited for this day for months – your boss has finally made some time to meet and discuss your salary. You tell them about all the projects you’ve completed, all the extra time you’ve worked, how well you’ve performed, and how you deserve a 10 percent increase. But all you get is a pat on the back while they say, “You’re doing OK, just hold tight. There’s no budget for a raise right now.” You’re devastated, angry, and sad. You’ve put in so much work, but it seems they don’t value or even try to empathize with you! 

So far, it’s been all positive thoughts and feelings. You should have a pretty solid tool kit of techniques to generate trust in your counterpart, which will help you gather information about their wants and needs – and direct the negotiation to where you want it to go.

Now let’s get into the negative side. We’ll start by talking about a tiny word we all fear: no. This negative word can be the end of so many ideas. A buzzkill. A fun-stopper. But, for a negotiator, it can be a fundamental weapon – when used right.

Maybe you’ve been taught that the best outcome for a conflict is one where both parties meet halfway, or split the difference. But this can lead to dissatisfaction for everyone involved. Meeting halfway also exposes you to the possibility of being pushed into a corner. That’s why we’re going to explore ways to avoid compromise, and instead create leverage in your favor. 

First up: time. Time is an immensely powerful tool that can cause tranquility or anxiety. In negotiations, you can use time to create pressure. By establishing deadlines, you can force your counterpart to make rushed decisions because they’re afraid of losing something in the future. At the same time, most deadlines are flexible. Knowing this, you can confidently use time to your advantage. 

Black swans were once thought to be mythical creatures – until they were discovered by Europeans in an expedition during the seventeenth century. As a metaphor, a black swan represents the discovery of something unforeseen, surprising, presumed to be impossible. In a negotiation context, a black swan represents the appearance of an unpredictable piece of information. Being able to identify and use black swans to your favor is a critical skill that’ll allow you to generate breakthroughs in your negotiations. Let’s discover how.

In most negotiations, there’s some information about your counterpart that you know for sure – like their name or offer. Then there are things that you know exist or are probable – like the possibility of your counterpart leaving the negotiation altogether. Finally, there are things you don’t know you don’t know – unimaginable information that would completely twist the outcome. These are the black swans, or unknown unknowns. It’s impossible to totally conjure the unimaginable, so the best you can do is to stay flexible and never overvalue your experience or your knowledge.