The Art of Gathering summary

Have you ever stopped to think about why you gather in the way that you do, through events such as quarterly board meetings, lectures and charity fundraising galas?

If you did, you might come to find that too many of our gatherings follow ritualized formats, rather than being built around a clear purpose.

The concept of “the more the merrier” is deeply rooted in society. Most of us have heard those words since childhood.

So when we think about guest lists, we often focus on inclusion. But sometimes exclusion is just as important, even if it can feel a little uncomfortable.

In modern life, being chill is often treated as a virtue. As a result, we’re hesitant to tell people what to do, even at events we are hosting ourselves. Being laid back, not imposing on our guests, feels like the right thing to do.

But when it comes to gatherings, being a “chill” host is an abdication of your responsibility to your gathering and guests, and it’s a sure-fire way to let things fizzle out.

Rules have a bad reputation. We associate them with school, overbearing parents, boredom and rigidity. But that reputation is unfair, because if you get them right, rules can unleash experimentation, playfulness and truly meaningful gatherings.

A great example of how rules can enhance, rather than restrict, comes from the Latitude Society, a secretive networking organization that hosted underground, invitation-only gatherings in San Francisco, before it disbanded in 2015. The society’s rules were designed to encourage bonding and belonging.  

Now you’ve got a clear purpose for your gathering, you know who to invite and you know how to host. How can you kick things off in just the right way?  

Firstly, recognize that people will form impressions about what to expect from your event before it’s even started. So prime them with the right expectations.

Too often, we try to present our best selves, rather than our real selves to the world. On social media, we show off a glossy, idealized spin on our real lives. At business conferences, we talk of our achievements and successes, rarely dwelling on our vulnerabilities. But all too often this leads to dull, impersonal conversations.

So how can you get your guests to reveal their whole, authentic selves?

A drama teacher, Dave Sawyer, once shared with the author the secret of telling great actors from  merely good ones: watch not just their entrances on stage, but their exits. Truly great actors focus as much on their exits as on their dramatic entrances, knowing that how you end things shapes people’s experiences and memories.

Well, a great host should take the same approach. The first step to a great ending is to avoid things simply fizzling out.