Fierce Conversations summary

In the fall of 2001, a Bering Sea crab fishery faced an odd situation: they’d received more than double their normal amount of orders from Japan. 

Why this spike in demand? Well, it was right after the 9/11 attacks, and many Japanese travelers had canceled their plans to visit the United States. They stayed home instead – and ate more crab!

You’re in a meeting where your manager, Neel, wants input on why a recent campaign failed. Although you know that Neel’s decision to greenlight an inexperienced contractor was the reason, you keep your mouth shut. You don’t want to lose your job!

But imagine if you did speak up. Sure, Neel may give you the stink eye – or worse. But because you identified the problem at hand, Neel may also improve his vetting processes.

Sometimes, being present means paying closer attention to what isn’t said.

Here’s an example. During one of her Fierce Conversations workshops, Susan Scott asked a participant – let’s call him James – to talk about a problem. She then divided the audience into three groups. She asked a third of the participants to listen to what James said, a third to note his emotion, and the final third to pay attention to his intent.

As a manager, it can be tempting to put off the awkward conversations about a junior employee’s less-than-stellar performance or a coworker’s slow progress on a project. But delivering that feedback is beneficial to everyone.

If you cringe at the thought of confrontation, don’t worry. Scott has come up with a tried-and-true method of making the process of delivering feedback a lot easier.

Imagine a sheet of paper with two columns. The right column contains the things that are actually being said. The left column contains what you think about what’s being said. 

For example, let’s say you’re having a conversation with Jin, a friend who’s considering applying for a promotion. Jin is worried that her qualifications aren’t as strong as other candidates’.

You know how when you eat something delicious, it leaves a lovely flavor in your mouth that lasts long after the last bite has been swallowed? The same occurs when you eat something bitter or unpleasant – the taste can linger hours after the meal has been consumed.

It kind of works the same way with interactions. The way you interact with someone and make them feel may be intangible, but it’s still very real. Scott calls this a “wake” – the feeling you leave behind when you’re no longer there. It’s important to be cognizant of your wake, and to take measures to ensure that the taste you leave is sweet and not sour.

When you have a fierce conversation, the authentic, powerful version of yourself says the brave things that matter. A lifetime of fierce conversations can lead to better relationships with your colleagues, your loved ones, and yourself.