Raising Good Humans summary

Your kids aren’t the only ones with issues. And if you want to keep from passing yours on to them, it’s time to understand what triggers you and why.

When your five-year-old laughed maniacally as the vase shattered to the ground, you got mad. Maybe you got scared. Why?

Whenever you’re about to admonish yourself, ask, Would you talk to your friends that way? If not, you shouldn’t be talking to yourself that way.

For most parents, the inner voice is critical and focused on blame and shame. The problem is, our external actions are directly guided by what we’re cultivating on the inside. That means that we have to do some of the hardest work imaginable – we have to love ourselves.

Emotions aren’t the enemy. In fact, they often alert us to a danger or an urgent need that should be addressed. Knowing that, it pays to put the spotlight on your emotions. Ignoring them only leads to suffering – and repeating those negative generational cycles.

Unfortunately, the feelings part of the brain doesn’t understand that it’s no longer living in the kind of world where you have to hunt and fight to survive. It still acts as though every threat is a big threat. Because of that, you need to build skills for managing big emotions.

Assuming you’re calm and ready to deal with a crying child, you’re ready to strengthen your connection with this little person. How? By listening.

The practice of reflective listening means removing judgment and helping your child identify and name their own emotions. Here’s an example.

Back in section three, the issue of how to prioritize your needs came up. Your needs aren’t more important than those of your kids – but they are just as important.

So take a moment, and make a list of your needs. These might include sleep, affection, time with friends, a vase that isn’t broken, or any number of other things. Your daily practice should involve taking care of your needs not just for yourself, but as a way to model this behavior for your kids.

Wherever there are two people living or working together, there will be conflict. Conflict is simply an event where two people have needs that they feel are unmet or are going to be unmet.

First of all, there’s no need to feel bad or guilty about conflict. You shouldn’t punish any of the feelings that arise because of it. Instead, put into practice a good strategy for managing these situations.

All of the practices and skills that have been addressed so far are geared toward the ultimate goal of breaking generational cycles and creating strong, healthy, connected relationships in your family. As you build trust and safety through mindfulness and emotional regulation, you can begin to connect in other ways.

Make sure to connect through positive physical touch like hugs or safe roughhousing. Playing with your kids is an important way to connect. It doesn’t have to take a lot of time out of your day – even 10 or 15 minutes are enough.