Safe People Buchzusammenfassung - das Wichtigste aus Safe People

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Zusammenfassung von Safe People

Name: Safe People
Rating: 3.6 (468 reviews)
Author: Henry Cloud and John Townsend

Henry Cloud and John Townsend

How to Find Relationships that are Good for You and Avoid Those That Aren't

3.6 (468 Bewertungen)

20 Min.

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Safe People
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What’s in it for me? Learn how to welcome safe people into your life.

If you’ve ever left a party, relationship, or phone call feeling worse than before it, you’ve probably already experienced being around unsafe people. Don’t feel bad – it’s an easy mistake to make. Unsafe people are everywhere – even within you! If you allow them to entrench themselves too deeply in your life or in your relationships, they can harm your emotional and spiritual health.

The good news is that once you’ve learned how to identify these people, you can learn to spot the opposite – the safe ones who can enrich your life. Drawing on their personal experience and biblical guidance, Drs. Townsend and Cloud teach how to recognize “unsafe people” and guide you to a better life with safe people.

In these blinks, you’ll learn

how to give and accept forgiveness;
why that college break-up might have been the best thing to happen to you; and
why loving each other is the best way to love God.

Unsafe people can be destructive and lead to unhappiness.

You know that college girlfriend you can’t stop thinking about? The one who broke your heart back in sophomore year? Or that work buddy who you thought was shaping up to be a best friend until you realized that he was overly critical of everyone?

These are the unsafe people in your life, the ones who cause you more harm than good.

The key message here is: Unsafe people can be destructive and lead to unhappiness.

There are three different groups of unsafe people. First there are the abandoners. These are people who enthusiastically start relationships but rarely see them through. Let’s say you begin dating an abandoner. Things may get off to a great start – long phone calls, restaurant reservations, flowers, and chocolates. But the impetus rarely lasts once you pass the first impressions stage and flaws begin to appear. Abandoners don’t want true closeness, and when perfection isn’t attainable, they leave.

Then, there are the critics. If you want help solving a problem, your critical friend might be the ideal person to call. These people are excellent at analyzing situations and people. But, they’re also more motivated by being judgmental and fixing mistakes than by showing compassion and truly helping others.

Lastly, there’s the third group, the ones who you can’t count on to make or stick to a plan. We’ll call them the irresponsibles. Think of that friend who you made dinner plans with weeks ago. You’d agreed to meet at 7:00 p.m., but she left you sitting alone at the table until she swept in half an hour late with no apologies. While irresponsibles are fun and spontaneous, you can’t count on them.

So what do all these groups have in common? An inability or lack of desire for true closeness, with each other and with God. Inviting these types of people into your life without truly analyzing their impact on you can make you unhappy. And in the long run, their presence can even be destructive.

In the next blink, we’ll learn about how to recognize unsafe people by their personality traits.

Recognizing unsafe people is a crucial first step in surrounding yourself with safe ones.

Meeting a fellow Christian might seem like an excellent place to start when searching for safe people. But not so fast! Just because someone is a self-professed Christian doesn’t mean they’re safe. Unsafe people may appear to be highly moral but often tend to be religious rather than spiritual. Instead of allowing humanity to enter their decision-making, they rely on dogma and rules.

The key message here is: Recognizing unsafe people is a crucial first step in surrounding yourself with safe ones.

Recognizing interpersonal traits of unsafe people can help you see if you’re trapped in an unsafe relationship.

Let’s say you’ve just learned an upsetting family secret and have to offload, so you call up your friend, Astrid, to chat. A week later, a mutual friend, Charles, calls. Not only does he want more details about your secret, but he’s actually annoyed with you for not telling him personally. You’re panicked, devastated, and most of all, betrayed. How could Astrid have shared your confidence?

What you have on your hands is a classic scenario of triangulation. It’s one of the interpersonal traits of unsafe people.

Your past experiences can contribute to unsafe characteristics in your personality.

It’s a cliché only because it’s true: There are no perfect people. And that includes you.

Just like the unsafe people, we all have aspects of ourselves that are either safe or unsafe. Some of us have accumulated so many psychological injuries that we’ve begun sliding down the perilous path of becoming unsafe people – incapable of true connection.

Close, safe relationships can make you healthier, while unsafe ones can make you physically ill.

Decades ago, tight-knit Italian immigrant families settled in Roseto, Pennsylvania. And their close relationships lasted generations. Between the 1930s and 1980s, the town caught the interest of researchers. They noticed that the residents lived an unusually long life, despite having the same diet and lifestyle as the rest of the United States.

But, when the town was studied again in the 1990s, many old families had moved, the new families weren’t as close, and the life expectancy had declined to match the rest of the country. Turns out, close relationships actually helped the people of Roseto live longer.

Bringing safe people into your life can help you develop safe and healthy relationships.

Let’s do a little exercise. Rewind the reel of your life until you come to a time when you hurt someone. Pause there. Have you always felt a lingering regret for the way you behaved? Let’s say you pick up the phone, call that person, and sincerely express your regret.

Now, imagine that she tells you that she forgave you years ago. Can you imagine the relief? A whole-hearted act of forgiveness is one of the godliest acts a person can commit. When someone forgives you and accepts you with love despite your actions, that tells you they’re exactly the type of safe person you want in your life.

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Worum geht es in Safe People?

Safe People (1995) examines the traits of safe and unsafe people and teaches readers how to seek out the former and avoid the latter in their search for meaningful relationships. From a biblical perspective, the book talks about the importance of true connection.

Wer Safe People lesen sollte

Anyone interested in improving the quality of their relationships
Christians seeking ways to improve their lives
Lonely people looking for a way to build safe, happy, and lasting relationships

Über den Autor

Dr. Henry Cloud is a clinical psychologist, leadership expert, consultant, and coach. Dr. John Townsend is a psychologist, leadership coach, and speaker who runs the Townsend Institute for Leadership and Counseling. The authors have written a series of best-selling books, both together and separately, that explore boundaries in parenting, dating, and other relationships.

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