What is the main message of 13 Things Mentally Strong Parents Don’t Do?

The main message of 13 Things Mentally Strong Parents Don’t Do is how to raise mentally strong children by avoiding certain behaviors.

How long does it take to read 13 Things Mentally Strong Parents Don’t Do?

The reading time for 13 Things Mentally Strong Parents Don’t Do varies, but the Blinkist summary can be read in just a few minutes.

Is 13 Things Mentally Strong Parents Don’t Do a good book? Is it worth reading?

13 Things Mentally Strong Parents Don’t Do is worth reading as it provides practical guidance for parents on how to raise resilient and mentally strong children.

Who is the author of 13 Things Mentally Strong Parents Don’t Do?

Amy Morin is the author of 13 Things Mentally Strong Parents Don’t Do .

13 Things Mentally Strong Parents Don’t Do Summary of Key Ideas and Review

Name: 13 Things Mentally Strong Parents Don’t Do
Rating: 4.6 (888 reviews)
Author: Amy Morin

Introduction

What’s in it for me? Fortify your own mental strength to raise kids who’ll be ready to take on all of life’s challenges.

Frederick Douglass once said, “It’s easier to build strong children than to repair broken men.” So while they’re under your roof, how can you ensure that you’re teaching your kids the right skills and values? What do your children need most in order to become self-reliant, responsible, happy adults?

All parents want their children to have the best possible future. But you might be surprised to learn that positive emotional and behavioral development is just as integral to success as, say, academic achievement. Though there’s no shortage of “how-to” parenting books, Amy Morin argues that it’s just as important to know what unhealthy habits not to teach children. As a foster mother and family therapy expert, she’s discovered through experience that parents need to work on their own behaviors in order to raise mentally strong children.

These blinks draw deeply on both research and Morin’s own clients to show how common parenting practices can actually be detrimental to your child’s growth – and what you should do instead.

In these blinks, you’ll learn

why guilt can lead to poor parenting choices;
how a praise-criticism-praise sandwich can motivate your child to do his best; and
how to write a family mission statement that encompasses your values.

Key idea 1 of 8

Mentally strong parents promote responsibility and perseverance over a victim mentality.

Everywhere you look, there’s advice about helping your child stay physically fit. But what about other important kinds of fitness, like mental or emotional well-being? There’s little in life that benefits a person as much as learning to be mentally strong. A mentally strong child is more likely to turn setbacks into opportunities and face hardship without feeling sorry for himself.

So what’s the best way to raise a mentally strong child? By practicing good, healthy habits yourself – which makes you capable of passing them on to your child.

For example, it’s natural to want to defend your child when they’ve been wronged. The age of social media has led many parents to encourage feelings of victimhood in response to every slight. Mentally strong parents refuse to do this. You want your child to be empowered to handle life’s challenges rather than always seeing himself as the victim of circumstance.

Take the example of Cody, a 14-year-old who was prescribed ADHD medication. His teachers reported that he was calmer and more attentive as a result, but his grades didn’t improve. His parents’ response? To demand that he be assigned less work than his peers.

Cody’s workload wasn’t the problem, however. He had developed what researchers call learned helplessness – he believed that his ADHD made him fundamentally incapable, and his parents had reinforced this idea. Once they started treating him like he was equipped to handle his responsibilities, he began to put in effort, and his grades soon turned around.

Mentally strong parents don’t let their children avoid responsibility, either. Instead of letting your child blame others for his problems, hold him accountable and let him face the consequences of his actions. If you don’t, how is he supposed to learn to cope with the inevitable injustices he’ll face in life?

You can also help your child at home. Assign him household responsibilities, for one – research shows that kids who have to do chores from an early age become more successful, empathetic, and self-reliant adults. Let him handle problems by himself, too. According to sociologist Steven Horwitz, children need to practice resolving conflict on their own during unstructured playtime. If they always rely on adults to intervene, they’re more likely to blame others.

Finally, teach your child to choose true thoughts over BLUE ones. BLUE thoughts are ones in which you Blame everyone else, Look for the bad news, fall prey to Unhappy guessing (that is, assuming the worst), and are Exaggeratedly negative. True thoughts, on the other hand, involve accepting responsibility, pointing out the good, taking action, and looking for exceptions.

Key idea 2 of 8

Don’t parent with a strategy of avoidance. Instead, teach your kids healthy ways to deal with guilt and fear.

If you’ve ever worried that you’re not a good enough parent, you’re not alone! A whopping 94 percent of mothers surveyed by BabyCenter report feelings of “mommy guilt.” But for both mothers and fathers, too much anxiety about being a “bad” parent can lead to a big mistake: making parenting decisions with guilt as your guide.

Guilt can encourage parents to give in to their child’s demands, for example, which allows them to avoid feeling guilty in the moment. Take Joe’s case: his son Micah was a 100 pounds overweight when his pediatrician threatened to call Child Protective Services. While Joe felt guilty about enabling Micah’s unhealthy eating habits, he had a harder time coping with the more immediate guilt he felt when Micah begged and cried after being denied junk food.

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Key idea 3 of 8

Set strong boundaries so your child doesn’t think the world revolves around her or that she holds power over you.

Many parents put their child at the center of their universe. But in doing so, are you inadvertently giving her the idea that she’s the center of the entire universe?

You want your child to believe in herself, but being convinced she’s exceptional can lead to a sense of entitlement. The dangers of this? A diminished capacity for empathy, perpetual dissatisfaction, and a belief that she shouldn’t have to try hard to get what she wants.

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Key idea 4 of 8

Don’t expect perfection or intervene every time your child makes a mistake.

Do you believe in the old adage, “A diamond is a chunk of coal that did well under pressure?” Many parents who expect perfection view their children as extensions of themselves. They hope that, by pushing their children to succeed where they failed, they can heal their own wounds.

But doing this can have a detrimental effect on your child’s mental health. He can develop socially prescribed perfectionism, the belief that others won’t love him if he makes a mistake. To an extreme, this can have deadly consequences: a 2013 study published in the Archives of Suicide Research revealed that 70 percent of boys aged 12-25 who took their own lives had placed an inordinate amount of pressure on themselves.

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Key idea 5 of 8

Mentally strong parents don’t shelter their child from pain.

When Julie and Michael – two of the author’s family therapy clients – got a divorce, they worried it would be too difficult for their children to handle. So for years, they made sure that not much changed; Michael came over for dinner every Sunday and for all the holidays.

But when Julie eventually wanted to share her family life with a new partner, she realized she’d been prolonging the inevitable. Although she’d wanted a clean break with Michael, she had kept things in limbo for the sake of her children.

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Key idea 6 of 8

Don’t prevent your children from experiencing the whole spectrum of human emotions.

Many parents are uncomfortable with overt displays of negative feelings. They might change the subject or try to cheer their children up, rather than let them experience sadness or hurt.

But when they’re learning to manage difficult emotions, children need validation and support – not distraction. If they can’t tolerate feeling sad, they’ll be less willing to take risks later on because of the fear of failure or rejection. So let your child build his mental and emotional muscles by fully experiencing a wide range of emotions. After all, he won’t be able to avoid boredom, guilt, disappointment, or frustration his entire life.

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Key idea 7 of 8

Mentally strong parents understand the difference between discipline and punishment.

Raising a child requires a lot of energy. When you’re low on reserves, you may be tempted to fall back on the easiest, quickest measures to get your child to behave – things like yelling, punishment, or shaming.

But what’s the cost of harsh punishment? Spanking, for example, has been proven to increase aggression, behavioral problems, and mental health issues. And children who are yelled at or publicly humiliated become sophisticated liars and poor decision-makers.

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Key idea 8 of 8

Mentally strong parents make sure their actions match their values.

As a parent, it’s easy to get caught up in the many pressing things happening at any given moment. But the final thing mentally strong parents do is zoom out and consider the big picture: Is their child learning the right life lessons?

Take 15-year-old Kyle, a straight-A student. When he was caught cheating and got kicked out of a special program that allowed him to take college classes, his parents didn’t understand what had gone wrong.

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