Connect summary

Keeping up false fronts can be exhausting; behind our social media facades of “crushing it,” we’re often very anxious.

No one wants to be judged or look weak. But the thing is, editing and putting a spin on who we actually are not only strips us of our ability to be authentic – it also leads others to fabricate their own stories about us. We’ll come back to this in the next blink.

The second hallmark of an exceptional relationship is that both of you are willing to be vulnerable. Now, there’s nuance in the concept of vulnerability. Simply revealing personal things about yourself isn’t really vulnerable if you know how others will react – there’s no risk involved. Sharing when you’re unsure about the reaction to your disclosure, however, brings others closer. 

The key message is this: Vulnerability arises from strength, not weakness.

Have you ever told someone that a behavior of his bothers you – only for him to keep repeating it without seeming to learn? It’s easy to jump to cynical thinking: “That’s just the way he is.” But that’s not quite fair, or true. 

While personality is very difficult to alter, no one’s born with genes for being rude or self-involved, which are behaviors. When you jump to the conclusion that a certain set of behaviors defines a person, you’re doing him an injustice. Instead, try discerning the elements that perpetuate his behavior patterns.

Own your emotions or they will own you. We’ve all heard the adage, but it can be difficult to follow in today’s world. Emotions are often discredited in the workplace and schools, where the emphasis is on reason and logic. 

As a result, when we do express our feelings, we tend to downplay their intensity. And since we’re so used to numbing ourselves, we often don’t recognize what we’re truly feeling – whether good or bad. As Brené Brown notes, “When we numb anger, sadness, and fear, we also numb gratitude, love, and joy.”

The Japanese word kintsugi, or “golden repair,” refers to the art of mending broken pottery. A mixture of lacquer and powdered gold, silver, or platinum is used as the glue, creating shimmering lines that highlight the breaks. In being repaired, the broken object becomes arguably more beautiful.

A broader philosophy is embedded in this approach: damaged objects have a history that should be celebrated rather than covered up. The same holds true for relationships that have experienced “breaks.” By picking up the pieces and repairing them with care, your resulting relationships will be stronger than ever. 

You’ll know your relationship has become exceptional when you and the other person don’t have to hide important parts of yourselves and can deal with major issues – even if it feels scary.