Boundaries summary

Maybe you’re thinking, “I’m assertive. I have no problem saying no. Therefore, I don’t have a boundary problem.” Well, boundary problems come in every shape and size.

The key message is: Boundary issues can manifest themselves in many ways.

What’s holding you back from setting healthy boundaries that allow you and the others in your life to thrive? Maybe you feel that setting boundaries is selfish, or hard to reconcile with your faith. Christians, for example, might think of how the Bible quotes John as saying that how well they love others is a hallmark of Christ’s followers.

However, to love others well, we must first love ourselves. And setting boundaries is a profound act of self-love – the idea that healthy boundaries are selfish is just a myth.

Before you’re comfortable asserting boundaries, you might placidly accept boundary violations. You might think, “Carole always asks me to babysit last-minute, but that’s just her way.” Or “Lin always puts me down in front of his friends. He’s just joking, though.”

Over time, you’ll probably experience resentment. This can be unpleasant but useful – the feeling shows you that you’ve stopped being complacent when your boundaries are violated. So pay attention to it! That’s your heart telling you an important boundary has been overstepped one too many times. Heeding it is the first step toward a life of healthy boundaries.

Are you a confident, high-functioning person who feels inexplicably depressed and insecure after spending time with family? Do you love your partner but throw them under the bus to please your parents? Are you an adult who relies on your parents to resolve problems big and small – from paying off credit card bills to helping with laundry? 

If you answered yes to any of these questions, then you come from a family with boundary issues. What’s more, those issues are shaping the boundaries you set in your own life.

Okay, you’ve got the message. Boundaries are good! Creating and maintaining boundaries isn’t just a form of self-care – it also gives you the space to better care for others. In fact, healthy and long-lasting relationships depend on boundaries being enforced and respected.

But what about when it comes to marriage? After all, you and your spouse are in love and you share everything with each other. You don’t even need boundaries – do you?

Here’s a tendency that might sound familiar: You can assert your needs to your spouse, no problem. If your family tramples your boundaries, you tell them to back off in no uncertain terms. But when it comes to your friendships, you just can’t seem to establish healthy boundaries.

That’s a real problem. Outside of your partner and your family, some of the most meaningful relationships you have are with your friends. It can be all too easy to fall into problematic patterns in these relationships if you don’t establish healthy boundaries.

Ahmed has a great reputation at work. He’s a can-do guy, a team player who always goes above and beyond – even when that means working late nights and weekends. What’s great for his working life, though, is terrible for his family life.

Ahmed thinks the problem is that he just can’t say no. Ahmed’s wife, Julia, sees it differently. Ahmed’s great at saying no. He says no to his family all the time. He’s just more comfortable asserting boundaries in his personal life than in his professional life. But Ahmed needs to learn that boundaries are as crucial at work as they are at home.