Good Boundaries and Goodbyes summary

Unfortunately, achieving better relationships isn’t the finish line of a well-run race. In fact, it’s an ongoing process … and the name of that process is life. 

Your goal in life should be to reach strength in your relationship with yourself and with God before seeking out new relationships. On the other hand, you certainly can’t wait for it to be perfect before working with the ones you have. So, one of the tricky things can be identifying when you’re in a damaging relationship.

Setting boundaries doesn’t mean refusing to forgive someone or cutting off love. It’s about the level of access you give someone to your heart. Love is unconditional, but access should never be; the amount of access someone has should be directly commensurate to the level of responsibility they display.

Think of Adam and Eve. At first, they had unlimited access to God. But when they disobeyed, they showed a lack of responsibility that required a reduction in access.

To better understand what a good boundary is, let’s first think about what it isn’t. It isn’t a way to perfect someone, enforce your judgment on someone, or punish someone. Boundary setting shouldn’t be done out of resentment or passive aggression.

Boundaries are there to put protection around your identity. While you should always be willing to evaluate and change your behavior, you should never change your identity.

Boundaries only work if you apply consequences. This can be tricky, especially if you’re with someone who isn’t being respectful of your boundaries. Keep in mind that a consequence isn’t a threat, a punishment, or an ultimatum.

A consequence must be clearly stated and firmly adhered to. If you fail to follow through on the consequence, the other person will see your consequence as an empty threat. Someone resistant to your boundaries may accuse you of being hard-hearted, of making threats or ultimatums, or of taking things too seriously.

As a Christian, you’re called to forgive. And that calling can seem like it’s in conflict with ending relationships. But remember, your relationship with God isn’t unconditional. It depends on your obedience. He’ll always love you, but unless you follow him, you won’t live in eternity with him. That’s the ultimate goodbye.

On the other hand, when Adam and Eve – and by extension, all of humanity – were cast out of the garden, they were given guidelines for restoring our relationship with God. Goodbyes can be for a season or forever. And you may not get to know which is which.

Boundaries and goodbyes aren’t easy, but they’re your responsibility. Love is free to go on forever, but access to your heart or your life should only be given to those who treat that access with responsibility. So, set boundaries to keep yourself whole and protect your relationships. And if the time comes that the boundaries are no longer enough, understand that goodbyes are a part of life.