The Art of Community summary

The author’s friend Amanda belongs to a young mothers’ group in Massachusetts. The group restricts membership to mothers only –⁠ excluding fathers, pediatricians, and nannies. By doing this, they protect a space where mothers can share their struggles without fear of judgment. 

In the art of community building, the Boundary principle recognizes the need for clear lines between insiders and outsiders. This doesn’t mean being exclusionary for its own sake. The goal is to create safety and trust among members. Without the clarity of boundaries, communities face an everything-nothing conundrum: if everyone belongs everywhere, then “belonging” becomes meaningless. 

At the Sikh Golden Temple in Amritsar, India, volunteers prepare and serve free hot meals to over 30,000 visitors daily. Afterward, they’re all invited to share hot chai together outside. Guests come from every religion, class, and background. These experiences at the Golden Temple show how ritualized activities can create bonds that transcend ordinary human differences. 

Rituals are practices that mark time or events as special and important. Think of the Turkish Sufi whirling dance, performed at a sacred concert to reach a trance state. Or the silent Quaker meetings, which invite openness to the divine. Rituals give actions meaning and connect us to something larger than the present moment.

While rituals create meaning through action, temples provide the sacred spaces where these meaningful actions unfold. A temple is simply a place where people with shared values gather to enact their community’s rituals. For example, there’s a sacred Native American site on the California coast, marked by little more than wood huts and cleared ground. Yet it’s powerful enough to draw Native Americans from far distances for rituals that might seem strange to outsiders.

The beauty of sacred spaces lies in their adaptability. Any space can become temporarily sacred through intentional preparation. By adjusting boundaries, lighting, sound, clothing, and height, ordinary places transform into temples. A backyard used for grilling and playing can become sacred when particular people gather there for special purposes. 

Employees at New Belgium Brewing faced a tough choice. Leadership had discovered they could power the brewery’s operations with wind energy. The catch? The deal required a significant cash advance –⁠ which they’d already promised as year-end bonuses to employees. 

Leadership explained the situation to workers, then left the room. After an hour of discussion, every single employee agreed to give up their bonus so the company could switch to clean energy. 

When Daniel from The Karate Kid enters his final tournament, he’s the only competitor wearing a Japanese rising sun headband. That headband marks him as someone who has journeyed through the inner rings of karate mastery. Inner rings, the seventh and final principle in the art of community, speaks to our deep need to feel special, valued, and valuable.

Every strong community has an inner ring organization. In the Tibetan Buddhist tradition, for instance, the progression goes from interested seekers to students, joining members, and practitioners – and eventually to mystics and sages. What makes this progression beautiful is that it’s not really a hierarchy. It’s a mandala, where every part is connected to every other part. 

Digital platforms add another layer of complexity to community building. It’s true that technology comes with strong advantages, enabling people to connect beyond their immediate geography and at large scales. But emotional intimacy is harder to achieve online. 

Research suggests it takes over 200 hours to build close friendships in person, and possibly twice that online. The things that help regulate our moods and foster cooperation – like eye contact, touch, and even scent – are absent in digital spaces.