Forgiving What You Can't Forget summary

A few months after her marriage hit this crisis, the author walked into a scheduled therapy session. It was clear she hadn’t been looking after herself. 

Weeks of sleeplessness had left dark circles under her eyes. Her hair was tangled and laden with dry shampoo. And she couldn’t remember the last time she’d used deodorant. 

When we’re hurting, there are many things we do to numb the pain.

Some of us may turn to alcohol, drugs, or casual sexual encounters. And some of us may act overwhelmingly positively – as if to convince ourselves that things are okay.

When the author was writing her book on forgiveness, she was still in the process of dealing with her husband’s infidelity. 

Every morning she would sit at the gray wooden table in her house, with only her tears and her Bible for comfort. Other days, she’d invite colleagues to come and sit with her. They all had their own experiences of pain – and many of them were still grappling with forgiveness.

Before the author met her husband, Art, she’d had a number of beliefs about men. These beliefs were tied to the men in her past who had devastated her – like her father, who’d abandoned his family. 

Throughout her life, the author would tell herself that men were not to be trusted, and that she should keep all of them at a distance. The author eventually made an exception for Art – and for some time, she was glad she did. But then he betrayed her trust.

Have you ever been around someone who takes everything as a personal attack? No matter what you say, he believes that others are out to get him, or that they think he’s not good enough.

Such people quickly assign wrong motives and negative interpretations to what is done and said to them. Why? Because they’re still dealing with unresolved pain. They haven’t connected the dots to understand who or what in the past truly needs to be forgiven.

In an old black-and-white photo, the author, as a little girl, can be seen leaning against a tree. Her long brown hair hangs in messy ringlets around her face. And on her lips is a faint smile. 

However, the author remembers feeling far from happy at that time. She was being abused by her grandmother’s neighbor – and, inside, she was screaming to be rescued. 

If you’ve ever broken a tooth, you’ll know how painful it can be.

When part of a tooth breaks off and the nerves are exposed, chewing is unbearably painful. Sometimes it even hurts to breathe. The worst part? If you forget your tooth is broken, and attempt to, say, bite into an apple, a whole load of pain comes flooding back in.