Slow Sex summary

Harder, better, faster, stronger. Our society loves optimization, and this value encroaches upon all areas of our lives – with negative consequences for our mental health. Competition, fear of failure, and performance anxiety structure our day-to-day. And many of us find no respite from this stress in the bedroom, where it often applies to climax.

We want the best sex of our lives every time, and we approach the act with a goal-oriented mindset – the goal being orgasm, of course. But such high expectations for what good sex should be just end up stunting our sexuality. 

Breathing consciously and setting aside the goal of orgasm are two simple ways to bring you closer to the healing experience of slow sex. But these relaxing practices are just the beginning – the setting of the stage. The real sexual magic begins when we turn on our awareness and pay close attention to every breath, movement, touch, and shift in the body. 

Awareness involves observing ourselves closely and without judgment, and it’s the most important key to unlocking sexual potential. 

When we slow down our minds and become more attentive during sex, our bodies become more sensitive at the same time. During the author’s slow sex retreats, she’s always amazed to hear both men and women report that their genitals have become more sensitive after just a few days of increasing their awareness. When we say goodbye to the hunt for frenzied stimulation and orgasms, our bodies give us much deeper pleasures that resonate within us for a long time.

The key message here is: To improve sex, focus on training your sensitivity rather than increasing stimulation. 

Now that you know the most important aspects of slow sex – slowness, relaxation, mindfulness, and sensitivity – let’s dive a little deeper into the experience itself. In the remaining blinks, you’ll discover how to start your slow sex practice. Of course, there’s no one-size-fits-all approach, so let your intuition guide you. It’s important that you trust your instincts and not expect miracles – especially in the beginning. And, as with everything, practice makes perfect.

Here’s the key message: Arrange enough time and an inspiring atmosphere for your slow-sex experience.

When you and your partner are both rooted in your bodies and feel that you can stay present with yourselves but still be open to each other, it’s time for the first touch. Slowly get closer by reaching out a hand – or in any way that feels good in the present moment, whether it’s holding hands, hugging, or kissing.

If you then lie down together, it’s very likely that the slowness and lack of habitual movements will initially irritate you. This is completely normal. A typical sexual encounter is closely linked to our egos and personalities. By breaking the habitual pattern, we leave our comfort zones. So give yourself time, and get involved in the new experience – and keep in mind that it’s not about arousal or achieving a sensational, orgasmic feeling. Slow sex is all about the present.

Of course, slow sex doesn’t mean coming to a standstill. You’re certainly still in motion, but there are no rules for how much or how little you move during slow sex. The question is rather: Are the movements mechanical and mere habit, or do they arise naturally from the present moment?

The key message here is: Movement has a different quality during slow sex.