Love and Respect summary

To break The Crazy Cycle, husbands must connect to their wives with love, and wives must connect to their husbands with respect. Ideally, that happens simultaneously. Realistically, someone has to go first, but who should it be?

Before we get to that answer, let’s be clear about what not to do. Don’t say, “I need your respect/love, so start respecting/loving me and then I’ll give you the love/respect you need.” That attitude is unloving and disrespectful, and it’ll trigger a negative reaction. Plus, it puts all the responsibility on one partner to supply both the love and respect in the relationship, which will probably make them shut down.

Imagine your wedding picture torn in half, you on one side and your spouse on the other. This is what happens when conflict deteriorates a relationship. Most wives then see it as their mission to tape the picture back together. They want to COUPLE.

This is where Eggerichs got the name for his C-O-U-P-L-E principles, an acronym that stands for Closeness, Openness, Understanding, Peacemaking, Loyalty, and Esteem. Husbands can follow these principles to give their wives the kind of love they want. And when wives follow the C-H-A-I-R-S principles detailed in the next section, the couple gets off The Crazy Cycle and gets on The Energizing Cycle. This is where his love leads to her respect, which leads to more of his love, which leads to more of her respect – and around and around it goes.

Just like husbands can learn to show their wives unconditional love with the C-O-U-P-L-E principles, wives can learn to show their husbands unconditional respect with the C-H-A-I-R-S principles – Conquest, Hierarchy, Authority, Insight, Relationship, and Sexuality.

The term “unconditional respect” is critical for the Love and Respect Connection, even though it may sound like an oxymoron since respect usually needs to be earned. But when it comes to spouses, especially husbands, Eggerichs believes unconditional respect is a requirement. You can do this with vocal tone, facial expression, and overall attitude. Again, this doesn’t mean you respect and condone all of your husband’s behavior, it just means you treat him respectfully, even during conflict.

Developing the Love and Respect Connection can help resolve marital conflict, increase understanding between spouses, and energize relationships.

Giving wives the unconditional love they need, and husbands the unconditional respect they need, can be tricky. Men and women can see the world through different lenses and speak in what seem like different languages. It takes time, effort, and patience to work through those differences, discover what truly affects your spouse, and build the Love and Respect Connection so you can get off The Crazy Cycle and ride The Energizing Cycle.