{"id":"5ff82e8a6cee070007f8362e","slug":"dont-take-yes-for-an-answer-en","title":"Don't Take Yes for an Answer","audio_url":"https://hls.blinkist.io/bibs/5ff82e8a6cee070007f8362e/5ff82e8a6cee070007f83630-T1610100461.m4a?Expires=1652841745&Signature=WFAWI7UtnuOe~SKnO-1K2xkhcynMBYA95LanWZe~-6fU-AEr-OGdzk7~WDRqWmsQ1a5WKFoOTcxhj2aERpOGdHjgO-8U-suOC-GS7x2nFb9rWd46N5Wqxu3pPKKnbo6eIuy82ZLiK7keK0PJunj5~ojgi8uZFzFNQT8JErUAP4gOSmVFl2YIlaiLJktdp1ArY7hghKzhaMUlJgj4fLC89bNuntrSe0z5glx~DptuuX5uh5mqajrcW6RGcvnfH5sZeGtZhZzOpSjKOv5-SlTEPrX-KQDXSAg62nbk0KYn52FIDdxx~BN1BJNYMjrVUeaVZAqc~-fybSaF0pDYnahUXQ__&Key-Pair-Id=APKAJXJM6BB7FFZXUB4A","chapters":[{"id":"5ff82e8a6cee070007f83630","title":"The impression you make on others is more important than your technical know-how.","text":"

What do actress Lucille Ball, designer Ralph Lauren, and British King George VI have in common? Well, they all realized that something was preventing them from reaching their full potential. And importantly, they took steps to overcome that obstacle so they could succeed.

Lucille Ball changed her hair color from brown to red, giving herself an iconic look. Ralph Lauren changed his surname from Lifshitz. And King George VI hired a speech therapist to eliminate his stutter. These changes vary in significance, but they’re all the result of the same truth. Whether it’s fair or not, first impressions count.

The key message here is: The impression you make on others is more important than your technical know-how.

Sometimes, what holds you back isn’t as obvious as a surname that sounds like a profanity. You can have the right education, credentials, and network, and still consistently miss out on that promotion you long for.

If you’re in this situation, your lack of progress probably has nothing to do with your technical skills, and everything to do with the impression you make. According to research conducted by the Carnegie Foundation, when it comes to success, your ability to connect with others is 85 percent more important than your know-how.

If you come across as timid, unconfident, aggressive, or flat, it won’t matter how brilliant you are. You simply won’t be viewed as a leader who can effectively engage with others. And that means you’ll never move up the ladder.

Similarly, if you don’t know how to communicate your message effectively, people won’t see the value in your ideas. It’s a bit like if you were making an important presentation, but you happened to have a piece of spinach stuck between your teeth. No one will listen to what you have to say; all they’ll pay attention to is that piece of spinach.

Luckily, you can learn skills that will transform you into the most compelling person in the room using the AWE technique. It combines authority, warmth, and energy to help you engage people from the moment they meet you. That way, you can create an authentic and compelling first impression.

We’ll look at each aspect of AWE in the blinks ahead. But first, it’s time to take a good, long look in the mirror.

"},{"id":"5ff82e8a6cee070007f83631","title":"Western culture is feedback-averse.","text":"

Ina was a senior executive for a midsize organization. It was her job to make investment recommendations to the executive team. She was technically competent and a hard worker. But her presentation skills were abysmal. Her delivery was so flat that no one trusted her judgment. And millions of dollars were at stake.

Author Steve Herz was called in to coach her, but Ina wasn’t committed to the process. And you couldn’t blame her. No one had told her that her communication skills needed to improve, so she saw the training as a low priority. If management had been upfront, Ina may have taken their feedback seriously. Instead, she ended up losing her job without understanding why.

The key message here is: Western culture is feedback-averse.

Many of us live in cultures that believe we’re not resilient enough to deal with rejection or constructive criticism. In America, this is the result of the self-esteem movement that happened in the late 1980s and 1990s. This well-intentioned promotion of self-esteem warped the meaning of excellence. Praise is no longer something you earn, it’s something you expect. Like Ina, this makes it difficult for you to identify areas where you need to improve if you want to advance in your career.

This culture of over-praising begins in childhood. Kids receive accolades and prizes just for participating, irrespective of their performance. Educational institutions continue the trend. Public schools and colleges lower their standards to secure funding and achieve high graduation rates. By the time students graduate, they don’t have an accurate sense of their aptitude. They’ve also been denied the chance to develop resilience before they enter the workplace.

These workplaces operate under a shadow of fear. They’re so afraid of expensive lawsuits that no one gets fired anymore. They’re made redundant, moved on, or their contracts aren’t renewed. Some workplaces fear accusations of discrimination. That means women or people of color don’t receive feedback that would otherwise help them flourish.

To leave mediocrity behind, you must accept that most people won’t be honest with you about your performance. You need to stop buying into the myth that you’re already brilliant. Take responsibility for your success by asking trusted colleagues direct questions about where you could improve. And, most importantly, be receptive to their responses.

"},{"id":"5ff82e8a6cee070007f83632","title":"Your voice is a tool you can use to embody authority.","text":"

History is full of great leaders who knew how to rouse the masses. Winston Churchill’s stirring addresses carried Britain through World War II. Mahatma Gandhi’s calm determination led to India’s independence. And recordings of Martin Luther King Jr.’s “I Have a Dream” speech continue to inspire people to fight for civil rights.

What makes leaders like this so compelling is their deep belief in their cause. Their delivery styles vary, but they all understand that you can win people’s trust when you communicate with clarity and confidence. And once you have their trust, you can influence them to follow you.

The key message here is: Your voice is a tool you can use to embody authority.

The first tool in the AWE toolkit is authority. Authority positions you as a leader, someone people want to follow because they’re inspired. To achieve this, pay attention to your voice.

If you’re not a politician or advocate, you may think that how you sound is irrelevant. But that’s far from true. Whether you’re pitching an idea to your boss, or putting forward the case for a new garden at a community meeting, you need to speak with conviction. Otherwise, your audience won’t listen to you, let alone be convinced that you’re right.

So, how do you use your voice to win people over?

First, pay attention to pitch. Sadly, there’s a bias toward low voices because we associate them with age and, therefore, wisdom. This affects everyone, including men. Research conducted by Duke University found that men with low voices earn more and run larger companies than higher-pitched male colleagues.

Second, regulate your pace. If you’re keen to persuade someone, there’s a temptation to talk nonstop. But this will overwhelm your listener. To speak with authority, use crisp, succinct, and declarative sentences.

And don’t be afraid of silences. Taking a moment to think before you speak is more powerful than rambling. Also watch out for filler words or phrases, such as um, like, or you know. These smack of inexperience.

Finally, moderate your volume. You probably know from experience that the loudest person in the room isn’t necessarily the one people respect. Rather than speaking loudly, focus on articulating each word, and make sure you complete each sentence without trailing off. And remember to vary your tone. Monotone is flat and boring. Putting your audience to sleep won’t help your cause.

"},{"id":"5ff82e8a6cee070007f83633","title":"To convey authority, work on your presence.","text":"

Steve Jobs is renowned for transforming a nearly-insolvent Apple into one of the most successful global brands. Jobs had an authoritative presence, and he evoked it without ever wearing a suit. His trademark ensemble of wire-rimmed glasses, a black turtleneck, jeans, and sneakers made him relatable to his audience. Tech-obsessed Apple users around the world saw themselves in his geeky ensemble.

But Jobs’ air of authority didn’t rely solely on his wardrobe. He also knew how to carry his body. From his commanding gait to his upright posture, Jobs presented himself as a leader. And this, combined with his understanding of how to win people’s trust and respect, elevated him to celebrity status.

The key message here is: To convey authority, work on your presence.

Your presence is the feeling you evoke in others; it’s your vibe. This vibe needs to align with your audience and your objective, otherwise, it won’t be effective. For instance, picture bouncers at a nightclub. They ooze authority through their physique and confidence. This automatically makes patrons fall in line.

But this style of authority won’t be effective if you’re trying to convince someone to confide in you. For example, CNN chief international correspondent Clarissa Ward emanates a subtle, measured authority that doesn’t try to assert itself. This allows her to extract information from cagey subjects, like jihadists. By staying calm and being relentlessly respectful, Ward can successfully interview people, even when she finds them abhorrent.

Ward understands that projecting authority doesn’t mean throwing your weight around. As soon as you pick a fight or try to argue, communication breaks down. Instead, people communicate best in a peer-to-peer dynamic, not a hierarchical one. By creating a mood of reciprocity, rather than dominance, you create trust.

Someone with true authority has the confidence to step back and let other people form their opinions. Don’t undermine your sense of presence by laboring to convince others that your agenda is worthwhile. This will make you seem needy and weak. Instead, state your case clearly. Then, give your audience space to decide for themselves. This way, you’ll exude authority, whether you’re in a job interview, or pitching a campaign to a client.

"},{"id":"5ff82e8b6cee070007f83634","title":"Without warmth, authority means nothing.","text":"

Some time ago, the author was in his first year of running IF Management – a talent agency for news journalists. At this point, he was busy building his reputation and client list. One day, an ambitious, young newscaster contacted him, looking for representation. When she came to the office, he saw that she had huge potential. So he tried his best to impress her with his most interesting stories. He was sure they’d hit it off.

But after the meeting, the author’s colleague predicted they’d never hear from the newscaster again. And he was right. Instead of having a conversation about the newscaster’s career, Herz had delivered a monologue about himself. He’d exhibited authority but had shown no warmth, which meant he’d failed to connect.

The key message here is: Without warmth, authority means nothing.

The second tool in the AWE toolkit is warmth. Warmth is the quality which allows you to form genuine connections with others. If you don’t exude sincere warmth, people will close themselves off to your authority.

Warmth creates understanding, which is the basis of all human relationships. And understanding builds trust, which is key to any relationship. In his meeting with the newscaster, the author had been so focused on talking himself up that he hadn’t shown any understanding for the newscaster’s ambitions. So why would she trust him to represent her?

Warmth occurs when you take the time to find commonality with others. This doesn’t mean you can’t foster warmth with someone you don’t have much in common with. In those instances, you need to work harder and be savvier to find common ground.

Embodying warmth means paying attention to others, so you can engage deeply with the issues they care about. Many managers feel uncomfortable practicing warmth, believing it’ll undermine their authority. But the opposite is true.

Authoritarian managers incite productivity through fear, demanding high performance without showing that they care about their staff. On the other hand, authoritative leaders inspire their team to work together toward a shared goal. This style of leadership fosters creativity, commitment, and ingenuity – assets to any team. It also increases staff retention, because employees feel supported and valued.

By using warmth, you can motivate people to rally around you and support your cause. In the blink ahead, you’ll see this in action.

"},{"id":"5ff82e8b6cee070007f83635","title":"To create warmth, give your full attention to other people.","text":"

NBC’s Today show weatherman – Al Roker – is the epitome of warmth. Open and relaxed, his friendly smile quickly puts people at ease. But it’s more than just that.

The author once shared office space with Roker in Manhattan’s legendary Fisk building. At that point, Roker was already a household name. But he still made the author feel like the most important person in the room. But Herz noticed this wasn’t special treatment. Roker gave this kind of attention to everyone he met. And it made him universally loved.

The key message here is: To create warmth, give your full attention to other people.

To build warmth, pay attention to your audience’s reactions. Moments of tension are inevitable, but you can deflate them with warmth. If tensions rise during a discussion, pause the conversation and ask the other party what’s worrying her. Listening to her reply will give you a chance to take a breath. It’ll also deescalate friction by showing her you’re willing to listen. This show of warmth will make your opponent less defensive.

Take note of your body language, too. If your mind is elsewhere, it’ll be clear in your body. Your expression will be vacant, or your hand will be on the doorknob without you even realizing. Nothing dampens warmth more quickly than being half-absent, so stay present and focus on engaging with your audience.

Warm people acknowledge others as fellow humans by practicing active listening. Active listening is the skill of paying attention to what someone else is saying, without thinking about your own response. Instead, you’re listening to the other person’s position or suggestions.

To do this, you have to allow him to speak without interruption. And when he’s finished, you must confirm that you’ve understood what he said, regardless of whether you agree with him or not. This is an effective way to deepen connection and trust.

Active listening also provides you with insight into people’s wishes or concerns. This supplies you with important information about problems that need solving, putting you in a position to help.

Finally, your voice plays a big role in evoking warmth. Speaking too quickly, too loudly, or too high will kill off the warmth in your voice, so pay attention to how you sound.

"},{"id":"5ff82e8b6cee070007f83636","title":"Energy equals influence.","text":"

In his first year of studying law at Vanderbilt University, the author took a mandatory constitutional law class. This course was notoriously dry. But that year, a new professor called Barry Friedman taught the class. And he was captivating. Despite his slight stature, Friedman owned the room. He knew how to build a story around his content, and how to deliver that story compellingly.

Every class was an immersive experience. Moving around the lecture hall, Friedman started slow and built to a crescendo. It was like listening to Led Zeppelin’s Stairway to Heaven. With energy buzzing through him, Friedman roused the class by illustrating how constitutional law influenced their everyday lives. He was so inspiring that Herz signed up for every one of his classes.

The key message here is: Energy equals influence.

Energy is the third tool in the AWE toolkit. It’s the quality that sets AWE into motion. Authority earns you respect. Warmth wins you trust. Energy motivates people to follow you.

Energy combines conviction in your message with enthusiasm. If you believe deeply in what you’re saying, your audience will be swayed to agree with you. But this only happens if you’re present, fully engaged in the moment, and authentic.

Emotional connection is what gives energy its power. Whether you’re meeting someone in a lecture hall or at the store, show warmth by looking them in the eye, which forges a connection. And once that connection is established, you can then motivate them to believe in your cause by making it relevant to them. This was Friedman’s technique.

So energy and warmth go hand-in-hand. You’ve no doubt been in the same room as an overzealous person, who’s completely indifferent to everyone else. That’s what energy without warmth looks like. There’s no scope for connection with a person like that.

Conversely, a warm person without energy won’t win people’s confidence. For instance, a kind and caring employee with flat energy will be passed over when promotions are handed out. She won’t be seen as management material. Managers must motivate and persuade their teams, so energy is a crucial quality for them. Being liked by everyone isn’t enough. You must be able to inspire others to follow you.

So, how do you use energy to motivate others without being overbearing? The next blink will explore this in more depth.

"},{"id":"5ff82e8b6cee070007f83637","title":"To use energy effectively, focus on the needs of others.","text":"

Imagine you’re about to give a speech to a large audience. As you nervously wait to be called on stage, thoughts about failure run through your head. What if you make a mistake? What if you get stage fright? What will people think of you?

You step out onto the stage, and you feel your hands and knees shaking. There’s a noticeable wobble in your voice. You’re starting to sweat. You’re so hounded by fears of being judged that you can barely stumble through your speech.

The key message here is: To use energy effectively, focus on the needs of others.

The most powerful thing you can do to energize yourself is to focus on other people. Asking yourself what you can do for others immediately flips the script, and it floods you with positive energy.

Instead of being self-conscious, tell yourself that you’re in a position to help others by sharing your knowledge or serving your community – regardless of what you do. Acknowledge that it’s a privilege to be in that position. This will make you come across as authentic.

When you focus on others, you should also adjust your energy accordingly. Listen to the energy levels of the voices around you, and align your energy to them. This will bring people into your fold. You’re then in a position to communicate in a way that they’ll be receptive to.

For example, a fast-talking sports commentator might be brilliant at making a stadium of spectators excited. But she’ll need to use a calmer tone and energy level at the family dinner table, or when speaking to her twelve-year-old son.

Energized body language is important, too. Use open hand gestures above waist level, and let your emotions show on your face. Body language helps others read us, which puts them at ease. And this in turn fosters that all-important sense of connection.

Cultivate a deep love of learning and curiosity, along with a sincere desire to help others, and make sure you don’t hide these feelings away from the world. Fostering these qualities will make you a people magnet. And once they’re drawn to you, you can use your AWE toolkit to share your vision with them. This way, you can persuade them to take up your torch and help you realize your goals.

"},{"id":"5ff82e8b6cee070007f83638","title":"Final summary","text":"

The key message in these blinks:

Without effective communication skills, you’ll never reach your full potential because people won’t realize your value. Communication doesn’t come easily to everyone but that doesn’t mean you can’t learn. Start by becoming more aware of how you speak and your body language. Do you conduct yourself in a way that inspires confidence and respect? Next, acknowledge the worth of others by giving them your full attention when you interact. This type of warmth will draw people to you. Finally, infuse every interaction with infectious energy. That will motivate others to take an interest in your ideas. When you combine energy and warmth with authority, you’ve hit on the recipe for success.

Actionable advice:

Record yourself to increase your self-awareness.

Watching recordings of yourself is a great way to deepen your understanding of how you come across to others. Use your smartphone to record yourself as much as possible. Film messages for family members, memorize a monologue and record yourself saying it while you’re driving somewhere. You can even film work meetings, with your colleagues’ permission. Over time, you’ll forget you’re recording and will act normally. Watch this footage to get a sense of your voice and body language. Then, you can make adjustments according to the AWE technique.

Got feedback?

We’d love to hear what you think about our content! Just drop an email to remember@blinkist.com with Don't Take Yes for an Answer as the subject line and share your thoughts!

What to read next: Acting with Power, by Deborah Gruenfeld

When you use AWE to become a great communicator, you’ll naturally find yourself in leadership roles. That means you’ll be in a position of power. Most people view power as something you either have or don’t. But in truth, every relationship involves power dynamics – we all possess power. So, it’s important to learn how and when to effectively wield that power, and when to put it to the side. To discover how to use power beneficially, check out the blinks to Acting with Power.

"}]}

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