Safe People summary

Meeting a fellow Christian might seem like an excellent place to start when searching for safe people. But not so fast! Just because someone is a self-professed Christian doesn’t mean they’re safe. Unsafe people may appear to be highly moral but often tend to be religious rather than spiritual. Instead of allowing humanity to enter their decision-making, they rely on dogma and rules.

The key message here is: Recognizing unsafe people is a crucial first step in surrounding yourself with safe ones.

Let’s say you’ve just learned an upsetting family secret and have to offload, so you call up your friend, Astrid, to chat. A week later, a mutual friend, Charles, calls. Not only does he want more details about your secret, but he’s actually annoyed with you for not telling him personally. You’re panicked, devastated, and most of all, betrayed. How could Astrid have shared your confidence?

What you have on your hands is a classic scenario of triangulation. It’s one of the interpersonal traits of unsafe people.

It’s a cliché only because it’s true: There are no perfect people. And that includes you.

Just like the unsafe people, we all have aspects of ourselves that are either safe or unsafe. Some of us have accumulated so many psychological injuries that we’ve begun sliding down the perilous path of becoming unsafe people – incapable of true connection.

Decades ago, tight-knit Italian immigrant families settled in Roseto, Pennsylvania. And their close relationships lasted generations. Between the 1930s and 1980s, the town caught the interest of researchers. They noticed that the residents lived an unusually long life, despite having the same diet and lifestyle as the rest of the United States.

But, when the town was studied again in the 1990s, many old families had moved, the new families weren’t as close, and the life expectancy had declined to match the rest of the country. Turns out, close relationships actually helped the people of Roseto live longer.

Let’s do a little exercise. Rewind the reel of your life until you come to a time when you hurt someone. Pause there. Have you always felt a lingering regret for the way you behaved? Let’s say you pick up the phone, call that person, and sincerely express your regret.

Now, imagine that she tells you that she forgave you years ago. Can you imagine the relief? A whole-hearted act of forgiveness is one of the godliest acts a person can commit. When someone forgives you and accepts you with love despite your actions, that tells you they’re exactly the type of safe person you want in your life.