Breakup Bootcamp summary

We all know just how devastating heartbreak can be. What you might not know is that it literally changes your brain. People who have recently gone through a break-up show particular brain activity. They’re in withdrawal mode, like drug addicts in need of a fix. That’s because they’re so used to getting dopamine hits from their partner. So, when we lose a partner, we also lose a reliable source of that feel-good chemical – just one of many reasons why breakups are so hard.

Unfortunately, there’s no magic pill to help heal a broken heart. And there’s no shortcut either. Before you can move forward, you have to grieve the relationship, and go through the stages – shock, denial, depression, anger, and maybe even bargaining, before you get to acceptance. It takes time. 

Having said that, there are ways to make the recovery process easier. First, no matter how terrible the breakup, remember this – it’s not about your ex. This is a time to focus on yourself, and your own feelings. If you’ve recently gone through a breakup, you’re probably on a rollercoaster of emotions. Many of us try to numb ourselves, or hide from our emotions. But as you’ve probably noticed, it doesn’t work. When we try to avoid our feelings, they creep up on us later and our reaction can become even more intense.

As it is often said, “the only way out is through.” We need to feel our feelings, and accept them. Only then can we process them. One way to do this is to recognize our “emotional reaction go-tos.” When you feel an uncomfortable emotion – sadness, for instance – what do you normally do? Do you try to self-medicate with food or alcohol? Do you distract yourself with work? Or perhaps, you do the opposite, inflating the emotion with negative thinking. Take a moment to reflect on your reactions. Having some awareness will help you to respond differently in future, and get into a habit of feeling your feelings.

However, be careful – there’s a difference between feeling and feeding. When Amy went through a breakup in her twenties, she really struggled. One night, feeling lonely and unable to sleep, she started looking at her ex-boyfriend’s social media – big mistake. She saw a photo of her ex at a party. He was posing with friends, smiling, a drink in hand. Amy was filled with anger. Her mind started racing. “How dare he be having fun at a party after breaking her heart!”, she thought. Then she couldn’t stop. While she kept looking at more pictures, creating a story in her head. She got herself so worked up, she had a panic attack.

Now, here’s something to consider. While emotions are natural, the physiological lifespan of an emotion – how long it lasts in the brain and the body – is just 90 seconds. If it lasts longer than that, it’s because of the story we’ve created about the emotion. That’s what Amy did, when she looked at the picture of her ex – she fed her feelings, making herself feel worse. And she got caught up in a story that she’d invented.