The Narcissist's Playbook summary

How does manipulation happen? There are three methods manipulators tend to use: the hit-and-run approach, the hot-and-cold approach, and the slow-and-steady approach. Let’s explore each of these modi operandi through real world examples, beginning with the story of Sam and Dana.

Sam is a suave, good-looking man who meets Dana at a hotel bar. They flirt and laugh, and within 30 minutes, Dana feels like she’s made a real connection. But when Sam abruptly leaves, Dana discovers her purse and passport are gone—Sam has vanished. Sam is a hit-and-run manipulator. These manipulators are opportunists, using whatever tools they have at their disposal – charm, confusion, aggression, or gaslighting – to exploit their targets when the chance arises. This behavior isn’t limited to con jobs, like Sam’s. Other hit-and-run manipulators might perform the emotional equivalent of a con job. Think of a professor who belittles a question posed by a student in order to feel superior or a partner who picks a spontaneous fight simply to gain leverage. These manipulators thrive on disruption and exploit vulnerability in fleeting interactions.

Romantic relationships are where we are at our most intimate, and our most vulnerable, with another person. Unfortunately, manipulators know exactly how to exploit this vulnerability. If you’re questioning whether your partner might be manipulative, here are some key signs to watch for.

You feel hesitant to disagree with or confront your partner, fearing it will set them off. Your relationship veers from fine to confusing and complicated with little warning. Conversations often leave you frustrated because your words are misunderstood or twisted. You feel like nothing you do is ever good enough and find yourself trying to “earn” your partner’s love by constantly pleasing them. 

Protecting yourself against manipulation requires three essential tools: boundaries, standards, and deal breakers.

First, let’s start off with boundaries. Think of them as a semipermeable wall, like the membrane that surrounds a cell; they regulate what you let out, like your actions, reactions and behaviors, and what you let in, such as how the words and actions of others affect you.

Escaping manipulation is challenging, especially when the manipulator is someone close, like a partner, family member, or friend. To move on safely and effectively, you’ll need to be strategic about the degree of communication you choose to maintain with your manipulator. Here are three communication strategies for moving away from a manipulator.

The first strategy: go no-contact. No-contact is exactly what it sounds like. It entails cutting off all communication. This approach extends beyond avoiding conversations—it includes not checking their social media or discussing them with mutual friends. Removing triggers is crucial: delete their number, block them online, and hide keepsakes. Fill the void created in their absence with positive activities, like scheduling time with supportive friends or picking up new hobbies.