Adult Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers summary

When Lauren was a teenager, she dreamed of becoming an elementary school teacher. But her mom – who was a prominent scientist – thought that working with little kids was beneath her family. So, Lauren became a research assistant in a science lab after college. She hated every minute of it. And to make matters worse, the voice in her head constantly told her she was ungrateful – that there was something wrong with her because she didn’t love what her mom loved. After all, following in her mom’s footsteps hadn’t improved their relationship, so she really must be fundamentally flawed.

If you have a narcissistic mom, you’ll probably also have a voice in your head that delivers a steady stream of criticism and commentary. Every waking hour, it ruminates over past conversations, analyzes your decisions, and frets over future events. This is called repetitive negative thinking – or RNT – and is associated with anxiety, depression, poor memory, and a reduced immune system.

When journalist Allison was forty-five, she won an award for an investigative piece she wrote about the chemical waste found in her local rivers. As she was leaving the award ceremony – plaque in hand – she overheard someone ask if she was a scientist. Shame gushed through her, as her inner voice piped up. Of course they would question her abilities! After all, she wasn’t a scientist. Someone with a proper scientific background would have done a much better investigation than her. As Allison drove home, instead of feeling happy about her award, she worried over how long it’d be until everyone found out she was a fraud.

Shame is the feeling that there’s something wrong with you, at the very core of your being. For people raised by narcissists, it’s as predictable and unwelcome as peak-hour gridlock in the city. You feel that you’re so fundamentally flawed that you don’t deserve anything good that comes your way. You don’t even deserve acceptance or belonging.

Throughout Janice’s childhood and adolescence, her narcissistic mom would go into Janice’s room whenever she liked. Sometimes she even read Janice’s diary. When Janice got angry and confronted her mom, she was told that she was overreacting and that her mom could do whatever she wanted since the house was hers. This stripped Janice of any sense that her wishes and voice were important – something to be respected.

Brittany had a different experience with her narcissistic mom, who had a terrible relationship with her own mother. Every day, Brittany’s mom would complain about Brittany’s grandmother, saying what an awful person she was and how much misery she caused. Brittany was expected to sit and listen to her mom rant. If she didn’t, her mom would accuse her of being uncaring – just like her grandmother. There was never any room for Brittany’s feelings, or for what was going on in her own life. Like Janice, Brittany was backed into a corner by her mom’s manipulative and self-serving behavior.