Set Boundaries, Find Peace summary

Think of your boundaries like the membrane of a cell – a selective barrier that allows useful substances to pass through while blocking harmful ones. Just like a cell membrane, your boundaries should aim for that perfect balance between being receptive to positive influences and blocking negative ones.

If you fail to achieve this balance, you’re at risk of experiencing a range of relationship issues. If your boundaries are too porous, for instance, you’ll be vulnerable to absorbing other people’s needs and emotions as your own. However, if you err too far in the opposite direction, and your boundaries are too rigid, you're in danger of ending up emotionally isolated and alone.

When we don’t set clear boundaries directly, they have a way of making themselves known more indirectly. We’re talking about passive-aggressiveness – a popular, yet sadly ineffective, communication technique.

If you think about it, passive-aggressiveness is really just a poor attempt at communicating a boundary. Instead of directly stating how we’ve been hurt, we act out how we feel, and just hope the other person figures out what they’ve done wrong. More often than not, though, this approach only frustrates the other person who is completely oblivious to what the problem is.

Ok, it’s all well and good to say that we ought to be assertive in setting boundaries, but being assertive is much easier said than done.

It’s true, we’re frequently beset by fears and worries that prevent us from speaking out about how we really feel. We do cartwheels inside our heads worrying about whether we might cause offense or be perceived in a negative light. But, the truth is, so long as you’re polite, most people will honor direct requests.

One of the main reasons we avoid setting boundaries is that we misunderstand what they are. We imagine that boundaries are about distancing ourselves emotionally from a person, and that genuine relationships are about selfless giving. Women especially have been told that to be a good wife or a good mother means selflessly giving yourself up for the benefit of someone else. 

But there’s a reason why housewives and mothers frequently end up burned out, demotivated, and even depressed. Anybody can see that giving yourself entirely to others is counter-productive. How can someone be expected to help others if they don’t have any energy, or time, or joy for themselves? It’s not possible to pour from an empty cup.

Family is often where people struggle most when it comes to setting boundaries – especially the parent-child relationship. After all, these relationship dynamics are decades in the making and aren’t likely to be changed overnight. 

But we must set boundaries with our parents because that’s the only way we’ll ever grow up. It’s only by virtue of the fact that we set boundaries with our parents during our development that we gradually learned to become autonomously acting individuals. Those, however, who fail to assert boundaries in development will never truly cease to be a child.

Overwork is endemic to our society. Too many of us are clocking in well beyond the 40-hour workweek stated in our contracts. We frequently work in the evenings and weekends when we’re supposed to be recovering. We say yes to extra projects from our colleagues even when it’s not our responsibility. And, out of some false sense of guilt, we don’t take advantage of all the vacation days that we’re entitled to. Did you know that, in 2018, US workers left unused 768 million days of paid time off?

Even if we have healthy boundaries in our personal lives, we tend to have more porous boundaries in our professional lives. That’s because we find it more difficult to set boundaries with our boss and team members out of fear of not being seen as a good employee.

What’s the most important element of a romantic relationship? Communication.

Poor communication is the leading cause of divorce and break-up, and it’s the top reason couples seek therapy.