The Power of a Positive No summary

Once you’re clear on your deeper yes, you’ll need to develop a plan B to support your intention. People don’t like to take no for an answer, so you’ll need something to back you up in case you meet resistance.

Take the case of Rosa Parks. Her refusal to give up her seat was backed up not only with intention – the desire for dignity and equality – but was also strengthened by her activist roots. Parks had a plan B. Although she knew she’d likely be arrested – that the world wouldn’t accept her no – she also knew that she had a powerful movement behind her.

Now that you’ve determined your underlying yes and come up with a backup plan, your next step is to help the other party accept your no. The problem is that when most people hear a no, they take it as a personal rejection, and often feel hurt or humiliated.

Here, it’s useful to consider the role of hostage negotiators. Obviously, they can’t say yes to the hostage taker’s demands, so how do they say no and still ensure the safety of the hostages? Well, according to NYPD hostage negotiator Dominick Misino, the first step is to show respect.

Which of these is a more pleasant rejection to an invitation? “Uhhh, sorry, but . . . no,” or, “I appreciate you thinking of me and I really wish I could come, but I’m already engaged that day.” There’s clearly a preferable way to politely decline an invitation.

Believe it or not, your Positive No has to begin with a yes. This yes is an affirmation of values – the value of the product you’re selling or, in a personal context, your value as a human being. It also reinforces your underlying intention and explains to the other person why you’re saying no.

When two people stand at an altar and say “I do,” their words aren’t just an expression of a feeling, but also an action. Uttering those words changes the reality of their situation as they transform into a legally married couple.

And so it goes with your Positive No because you’re not just describing your feelings or desires. Instead, you’re setting a boundary, stating what you plan to do, and doing so confidently.

While your Positive No should be firm, it shouldn’t be the end of the story. You’re not only trying to communicate your needs – you’re also trying to persuade the other person to agree. What’s more, often the person you’re saying no to is a loved one or a colleague, and you can’t risk hurting the relationship.

So what can you do to make it easier for them to accept your no?

When President Lyndon Johnson’s speechwriter, Richard Goodwin, tried to resign, LBJ used a master tactician’s array of flattery, bribery, and threat to reject Goodwin’s no. Luckily, most people you’ll be saying no to aren’t as wily as LBJ. Then again, maybe if Goodwin had the power of a Positive No, he wouldn’t have had to tear up his resignation letter.

But when facing someone less stubborn than LBJ, your no can dash their hopes or threaten their interests, so resistance should be expected. As should sulking, pleading, backlash, or perhaps even a sudden onset of deafness. This will be the moment for you to follow through with your Positive No.