Name: Option B
Rating: 4.3 (92 reviews)
Author: Sheryl Sandberg and Adam Grant

What’s in it for me? Overcome grief through resilience and joy.

When Sheryl Sandberg, chief operating officer at Facebook, was suddenly widowed at age 45, she had two small children in elementary school. The shock of losing her partner at such a young age coupled with the reality of raising her kids on her own sent her into a spiral of shock and grief.

During this period, she found solace in the support of a friend, who gave her evidence-based studies about resilience, mourning and joy. During a weak moment, she cried out to her friend that she wanted her husband, Dave. Her friend said that that option – Option A – was no longer available. These blinks are about facing the realities of loss, building resilience and making the most of Option B.

In these blinks, you’ll learn

how to overcome the three Ps;
the dangers of the mum effect; and
why your grieving loved ones need a panic button.

Trauma often leads to coping with “the three Ps.”

If you’ve been confronted with personal tragedy or any traumatic and life-changing event, it can dramatically alter your outlook.

Psychologist Martin Seligman has identified three common responses to tragedy, which he calls the three Ps.

The first one is personalization – blaming yourself for the tragedy.

The author, Sheryl Sandberg, went through this stage after her husband died during a vacation in Mexico. Since the initial medical report listed the cause of death as head trauma caused by a fall from an exercise machine, Sheryl blamed herself for not keeping a closer eye on her husband.

But Sheryl’s brother happens to be a neurosurgeon and was sure that the initial report was wrong; he tried to convince Sheryl that a fall from such a small height couldn’t be fatal.

Sure enough, the second autopsy proved him right; Sheryl’s husband died from cardiac arrhythmia due to a non-diagnosed coronary artery disease.

But this was just another thing Sheryl could personalize, and she began to ask herself, “Why didn’t I try harder to change his diet or get him to see his doctor more often?” Again, those around her, including her doctors, tried to assure her that it wasn’t her fault and that no single lifestyle change would have saved him.

Another common reaction, and the second of the three Ps, is pervasiveness – when the pain and sadness reaches every part of your life.

Being Jewish, the Sandbergs held Shiva, a seven-day period of mourning. Afterward, her children went back to school, and Sheryl tried to return to work. But the pain of her husband’s death felt all-consuming.

Sheryl couldn’t get through a meeting at work without holding back tears and being on the verge of breaking down.

This brings us to permanence – feeling like the pain is going to last forever.

This can be the most difficult P to overcome because when we feel depressed, it’s easy to think that the load is so immense, we’ll never be able to shake it.

But in the next blink, we’ll start to see just how we can move on.

Nurturing resilience is the key to resuming a joyous life.

The three Ps can make you feel like you’re walking around with a lead blanket draped over your body, which is how one of Sandberg’s friends described her grief.

But even though it can feel like there’s no escape, there is a way out. And the first step to getting yourself on that path is to find resilience.

Learning to take back joy helps you go on.

One of the tricky parts of dealing with grief is allowing yourself to be happy. After suffering a loss, you may have caught yourself enjoying a laugh and then felt ashamed about it. But there’s no need to.

When we add this kind of remorse to the grieving process, it only makes it harder to find resilience.

Don’t be afraid to acknowledge the pain of others.

Have you known someone who’s lost a loved one, or gone through some other trauma, and felt the desire to avoid talking to them or spend time with them until they were done grieving?

It’s a common feeling, and you may even convince yourself that you’re doing them a favor by giving them space, but silence and isolation won’t help their resilience.

Key ideas in Option B

What is Option B about?

Option B (2017) is based on the personal experiences of Sheryl Sandberg who, after losing her husband, fell into a period of deep mourning. However, Sheryl’s story is not one of despair; it’s one of perseverance, and of emerging from a horrible experience even stronger than before. Discover what Sheryl learned about the grieving process and how she was able to reclaim her joy, find meaning in life – and death – and move on.

About the Author

Sheryl Sandberg is the chief operating officer at Facebook and an active philanthropist who helps women achieve their goals. She was previously vice president of online sales at Google, as well as chief of staff at the US Department of the Treasury. Her first book was the best-selling Lean In.

Adam Grant is a psychologist at the University of Pennsylvania’s Wharton School whose writing has received awards from the American Psychological Association and the National Science Foundation. He is also a contributing op-ed writer for the New York Times and the author of the best-selling books Originals and Give and Take.