Not Nice summary

When you meet someone new, do you find yourself hoping they like you? This natural desire to be liked can quickly turn into a need for approval, driving many of your social interactions. Instead of being yourself, you might smile too much, agree even when you don’t, or hold back your real thoughts. While this keeps things polite and conflict-free, it often leads to feeling disconnected and unfulfilled.

The need for approval starts as early as childhood, when we learn how to behave to gain love and acceptance from parents, teachers, and peers. Over time, these behaviors become ingrained habits. As adults, many of us are still following this conditioning, constantly seeking others’ validation and avoiding disapproval at all costs. You may avoid saying no, hesitate to speak up, or even second-guess everything you say, all in an effort to be liked. This type of behavior, though aimed at keeping relationships smooth, ends up being inauthentic and draining.

Being overly nice may seem like a positive trait, but it comes with hidden costs that affect your mental, emotional, and social well-being. Think about how often you put others first, always trying to please, yet find yourself stressed, anxious, or frustrated afterward. The reality is that striving to be nice all the time can lead to anxiety, resentment, and even physical health issues, as the constant need to please weighs you down.

One of the most common costs of being overly nice is anxiety. You may constantly worry about how others perceive you, replaying conversations and agonizing over whether you said the right thing. This cycle of rumination keeps you stuck in a state of stress and fear of judgment. It’s exhausting, and it chips away at your confidence over time.

Setting boundaries is essential to building stronger relationships and asserting your own needs. For many people, the absence of boundaries leads to constantly prioritizing others’ desires and emotions over their own, resulting in resentment, stress, and dissatisfaction. Think about how often you’ve felt responsible for someone else’s feelings, afraid that asserting yourself might upset them. This over-responsibility can make you feel invisible in your own life.

Boundaries define where you end and others begin. They allow you to recognize your own needs and protect your emotional well-being. Without clear boundaries, you’re left feeling anxious, overextended, and often guilty for not living up to others’ expectations. To change this, start by consistently asking yourself, “What do I want?” and taking time to honor your preferences, even if they’re different from what others want. Acknowledging what you don’t want is equally valuable in helping you become clear on your boundaries.

Speaking up in difficult situations can feel daunting. Maybe a colleague dominates the conversation at work, or you hesitate to voice your opinion in social settings, fearing you might upset someone. These situations are common, but staying silent often leads to frustration and feeling overlooked. Expressing yourself assertively, even in uncomfortable circumstances, is key to being heard and respected, both at work and in personal relationships.

At the heart of speaking up is recognizing that your thoughts and needs matter as much as anyone else’s. It begins by shifting your mindset away from passivity and people-pleasing tendencies, which often stem from wanting to avoid conflict or discomfort. When you stay passive, hoping others will notice your needs, you deny yourself the opportunity to connect authentically with those around you. Instead of internalizing your frustrations, assertiveness encourages direct communication, through which you clearly express your wants while still considering the other person’s needs.

Have you ever found yourself saying yes to something you really didn’t want to do, just to avoid disappointing someone else? Many people think that prioritizing their own needs is selfish, but the truth is, healthy selfishness is essential for personal well-being. When you constantly put others first, it can lead to resentment, burnout, and unhappiness – not only for yourself but for the people you’re trying to please.

Selfishness isn’t inherently bad. There’s a difference between destructive selfishness, in which you disregard others entirely, and healthy self-interest, which involves taking care of yourself so that you have the energy and ability to genuinely care for others. Finding balance on this spectrum is key to improving your relationships and overall happiness.

If you’re ready to put everything into action, the next 30 days can provide a practical roadmap for transforming your relationships and personal life by stepping out of people-pleasing habits and into boldness and authenticity.

For the first week, focus on building a strong foundation. Begin by assessing where you are and why change is necessary. Reflect on how excessive niceness has held you back, and write down your motivations for being more assertive. To help shift your mindset, start letting go of the need for approval by repeating the phrase, “I don’t need your approval” in various interactions. Additionally, create a personal Bill of Rights – a list that should include things like your right to say no, to express yourself, and to prioritize your own needs. Use this to reinforce your boundaries and remind yourself of your worth.