The Charisma Myth summary

Despite the popular charisma myth, people aren't born with charisma – no matter how naturally magnetic some people appear.

If such people were inherently charismatic, then without fail they would always be captivating. But no one is charismatic around the clock. Someone might be utterly captivating one day, and the next be totally boring. This is because charisma is not some kind of magical aura but the result of a person displaying certain behaviors.

At every moment, you're unintentionally sending signals that are perceived subconsciously by those around you – your body language.

Whether you like it or not, your body language reveals your mental state. Anxiety, for example, produces a microexpression on your face, and observers will sense that something's wrong.

There are many ways to appear charismatic, but the main one is presence: being aware of what's happening, moment to moment. In social interactions, this means being with the other person completely, and listening to them intently.

If you're fully present with others, you'll appear charismatic and generate trust, rapport and loyalty. If you lack presence, the person you're interacting with will likely notice, and might suffer emotionally. As one person complained, interacting with someone who lacked presence made her feel resentful and inferior to “whatever was more important to her than our conversation.”

Human survival has always depended on finding people who are both powerful and kind. In a dangerous situation, we need to determine which people might want to help us and have the power to do so.

In the past especially, finding such people has meant the difference between life and death: imagine having a friend who was physically strong enough to rescue you from a saber-toothed tiger, or having a king as your friend who could save you from execution.

Not all people are charismatic in the same way, and different situations require different kinds of charisma.

There are four distinct charisma styles:

We all tend to remember the “firsts” – the first time we met someone, for instance. This means first impressions are very important, especially as we only get one chance to make a great one.

To make a great first impression, you have to make others feel you're similar to them.

Feeling discomfort, whether physical or mental, can affect your performance and emotions, as well as others' perception of you.

Being hungry, for example, will probably cloud your thinking, and low blood sugar can impair your attention and emotional control. If that discomfort is visible in your body language, it can affect how charismatic you appear.

When you're feeling internal discomfort or negativity – both obstacles to charisma – remember you're not alone in the experience and that what's happening isn't really serious.

This is dedramatizing, and it involves interpreting a negative emotion in a way that reduces its impact.

Overcoming internal discomfort can be achieved by destigmatizing and neutralizing negativity.

Experiencing internal discomfort and negativity is a natural part of human life – even for the most balanced among us. Consider that even devout Buddhist monk Thich Nhat Hanh was once so infuriated by someone that he felt like punching him. This shows we're all capable of experiencing the entire spectrum of emotions.