Wired for Intimacy summary

Pornography promises intimacy but ultimately corrupts it. It distorts men’s views on women and sexuality and erodes trust in relationships. For instance, many wives feel uncomfortable with the idea that their husband is looking at other women. 

Why, then, is porn so alluring to men? Well, most porn is based on the simple fact that something in the male brain finds the female form entrancing. The arousal this generates can build momentum like a runaway train, overwhelming good judgment. 

As we’ve seen, consuming porn can turn into an addiction in no time. Let’s now take an even closer look at how pornography captures the male brain. 

It turns out that pornography is designed to exploit the male brain’s innate sexual wiring. Visual cues for sex act like an HD signal. They’re able to cut through a lot of noise to rapidly capture attention. Brain scans reveal that men’s reward and emotional circuits are highly activated when viewing porn. And when men watch a sexual act performed by someone else, so-called “mirror neurons” fire as if they were performing the act themselves. So men vicariously participate in porn as if they were the onscreen actor.

To break pornography’s grip, we must first grasp what truly makes men men. Clearly, the wiring of their brains distinguishes men’s patterns of arousal from those of women. There are also various social norms that teach boys how to be “real” men. But most of these norms distort masculinity’s true purpose. They emphasize dominance, competitiveness, aggression, emotional restraint, and worldly achievements. Moreover, men are assumed to be naturally prone to sexual immorality and unable to control themselves.

But these traditional views are severely limiting and often damaging. They pressure men in unhealthy directions and rob men of options for expressing masculinity in healthy ways.

The main reason that porn is so damaging is that it corrupts true intimacy.

Beyond basic survival, humans profoundly need intimacy – to fully know and be known by others. This innate relational drive echoes the image of God within. Sexual energy is healthy because it pushes us toward genuine communion. Meeting God in others offers us fleeting tastes of divine transcendence.

Pornography ravages lives. But our sexuality, when properly directed, was actually created to propel holiness. Recognizing this power can help us free ourselves from porn’s grip. As embodied beings, the small decisions shaping our neural pathways can orient us toward righteousness or depravity.

Recovery means retraining the brain through spiritual formation. It begins by fully confessing the problem and exposing it to God’s light. This means not just talking to peers, but finding a mature mentor to hold us accountable. Professional counseling and reconnecting broken relationships may also facilitate healing.