Parenting Outside the Lines summary

Picture the scene: you’re in the middle of a crowded supermarket, frantically shoveling food into your cart when your two-year-old has a massive meltdown. She’s kicking and screaming and wailing and all the other shoppers are staring at you in horror. You feel your heart pounding in your chest and you’re covered in sweat. What do you do?

When this happened to Leahy she scooped her child up into her arms and fled, abandoning her full shopping cart in the middle of the aisle. As she caught her breath in the parking lot, she began asking herself what had gone wrong. She realized that she’d played a big role in creating the situation. Unknowingly, she’d pushed her daughter over the edge.

There’s nothing more discouraging for a parent than seeing her children fighting. Sibling fights can turn car trips into hellish ordeals and transform daily routines into battlefields.

But sibling fighting is also very normal. Children are unable to apply logic or reason in a difficult situation. So when they get overwhelmed or frustrated, they lash out.

The trouble started with a seemingly innocent salmon dinner. Leahy had become horrified at the unhealthy food her children were eating, so decided to make something healthy. She switched out their usual chicken nuggets for salmon, rice, and vegetables.

Her children hated the food and refused to eat it. The meal was a long ordeal of whines and bribes and threats, and ended with many plates of abandoned food. She was livid: she’d gone to great lengths to cook for her family and her children were behaving like ungrateful brats.

What’s the last thing you did before you fell asleep last night? And the first thing you did when you woke up this morning? If you’re like many people, the truthful answer is, you checked your phone.

Today we keep hearing about how we’re in the grip of a tech epidemic which is turning our children into little vampires who stay in their rooms and only play computer games. We hear reports about how dangerous screen time is for our children, but there’s less attention to the ways that it’s permeated our lives as adults.

There’s no easy way to say this. Sometimes, children can be awful. They can behave like little tyrants, bullying their parents to the extent that they even feel scared of them. Sometimes, children call the shots in the house, dictating who their parents are allowed to see, what the family can eat, and what everyone watches on TV.

How does this happen? Well, kids aren’t born bullies. They learn bullying behavior when they’re given too much power by their parents. All children push back against the rules, starting at the age of around two. This is normal, but sometimes it wears parents down so much that they end up giving in to the tantrums. Do that too often, and kids start calling the shots.

You are human. In spite of your very best intentions, it’s probable that sometimes you’ll lose your cool. Maybe you’re panicked by indecision and end up snapping at your children. Or you’re hungry and tired, and the whining pushes you over the edge.

Lashing out sometimes is very normal. You’re not a robot, and sometimes you go out of balance. The difference between you and your kids is that you have the power – and responsibility – to repair the damage done.