The Self-Driven Child summary

In addition to being unhealthy, a lack of control over their own lives also encourages children to push back, resisting anything they're told to do – even when those instructions are wise. Like, for instance, “You need to get your homework in on time, otherwise you’ll fail this school year.” 

If it’s delivered as a command, then there’s a good chance it’ll get a defiant response. So what to do? Rather than plotting out their offspring’s lives to the minutest detail, parents need to let their children breathe.

As a rule, parents tend to think they know best. As a result, many of them have a habit of making big, life-changing decisions for their children, excluding the kids themselves from the process.

Let’s say a girl – we’ll call her Chelsea – has recently transferred from a public school to an expensive private one. She’s deeply unhappy and wants to go back to her old school to be with her old friends and teachers. But her father insists that she stay put. In the end, he thinks, she’ll thank him. She’ll get great grades and go on to have a successful career.

Parents worry about their children. They always have. But today, technology provides even more ways to keep track of kids’ movements and more information about potential threats. A mother can closely monitor the progress of her child’s first bike ride on Google Maps. A new dad can look up all kinds of deadly diseases when his baby has a minor rash. It’s no wonder many parents have become intensely anxious. And even worse, all this anxiety is seeping into their children.

The key message here is: Anxiety rubs off on children, so parents should try to cultivate a calm presence.

Unwittingly passing on anxiety to their children is just one of the things parents need to worry about. Another major concern is the overuse of technology.

If you’ve been around any children lately, you’ll know how omnipresent technology is in their lives. For some children, half an hour away from a screen will provoke something like panic. And why not? Adults have become reliant on their smart devices; it’s natural that many children have integrated them as another body part.

So your child is in her final few years of high school and has begun to look forward to the prospect of college. All her friends are planning on going too, and she’s been working hard to make sure that she gets the grades. 

Deep down, though, you know that she isn’t quite ready; she’s isn’t yet mature enough for the experience. She’ll get there, sure, but probably not by the time she’s 18. 

So your child has failed his geography exam, and he won’t get that coveted place at Harvard. It’s the end of the world – any dream of future success and happiness is over for him. He’ll be resigned to a life of mediocrity and drudgery . . . won’t he? 

Well, no. Of course he won’t.