What is the main message of Self-Compassion?

Self-Compassion teaches us to be kinder to ourselves and embrace our imperfections.

How long does it take to read Self-Compassion?

The reading time for Self-Compassion varies, but the Blinkist summary can be read in just 15 minutes.

Is Self-Compassion a good book? Is it worth reading?

Self-Compassion is a valuable read for cultivating self-acceptance and resilience.

Who is the author of Self-Compassion?

The author of Self-Compassion is Kristin Neff.

Self-Compassion Summary of Key Ideas and Review

Name: Self-Compassion
Rating: 4.6 (671 reviews)
Author: Kristin Neff

Introduction

What’s in it for me? Learn how to be more compassionate and supportive toward yourself.

It’s become pretty common these days to complain about how self-centered people are. Too many of us are self-absorbed, self-seeking, and self-serving – or so the story goes. But here’s a fact that’s often left out of that narrative: as self-oriented as we might be, most of us are also extremely hard on ourselves.

We get angry at ourselves when we make mistakes. We hold ourselves up to impossibly high standards and then berate ourselves when we fall short of them. We subject ourselves to incredibly harsh self-criticism as we go through our daily lives. And we continuously tell ourselves we’re not good enough the way we are. All this leaves us with a persistent sense of inadequacy.

Why do we engage in these behaviors? What’s the problem with them? And how can we replace them with a kinder, healthier, and more productive way of treating ourselves? By the end of these blinks, you’ll know the answers to all of these questions and more.

Along the way, you’ll learn

why self-criticism is self-defeating;
why self-compassion is a more effective route to self-improvement; and
why the idea of comforting ourselves makes many of us uncomfortable.

Key idea 1 of 9

Our tendency to be self-critical and to feel inadequate often stems from childhood.

Got a personal problem? Trace it back to your childhood and blame it on your parents. In the popular imagination, that’s one of the most cliched ideas of psychology. Of course, it’s also an oversimplification, both of our problems and of what psychology has to say about them. But when we’re dealing with self-criticism and feelings of inadequacy, there’s actually an element of truth to it.

The key message here is: Our tendency to be self-critical and to feel inadequate often stems from childhood.

Psychological research shows that we’re much more likely to be critical of ourselves as adults if our parents were critical of us as children. That makes sense, if you stop and think about it. After all, as we’re growing up, we depend on our parents to guide us through life’s challenges, help us to understand the world around us, and make us feel safe and loved. As a result, we’re naturally inclined to trust their judgment and seek their approval.

Now, combine that tendency with a highly critical parent, and you’ve got a recipe for disaster. To see why, imagine you’re a child, and your parents criticize your every little action – from the way you eat your food at dinner to the way you dress yourself for school. And let’s say they also lace their criticism with disparaging remarks about you. They call you “stupid” for doing something wrong, like crossing the street without checking for traffic.

After a while, the constant little criticisms and put-downs will add up to a more general indictment of you as a person: “I’m not okay the way I am. I need to be better. And unless I’m perfect, I won’t be worthy of love.”

That sort of thinking can make your parents’ criticism carry a very heavy blow to you as a child. Naturally, you’ll want to avoid it as best you can. And that may lead you to start anticipating your parents’ criticism. To avoid it, you preemptively criticize yourself before they have a chance to do it for you. That way, you can modify your behavior and avoid their disapproval ahead of time.

At this point, you’ve internalized your parents’ criticism. Their judgmental words and voices have become a part of your mind’s internal commentary. If you, say, drop a glass of water, you might call yourself an “idiot” and criticize yourself for your clumsiness.

The end result? A deeply ingrained habit of self-criticism and sense of inadequacy that can continue well into adulthood.

Key idea 2 of 9

Societal pressures encourage us to be self-critical and feel inadequate.

So blame it all on mom or dad?

Not so fast. First off, it’s not just our parents who can lead us to develop a habit of self-criticism and a sense of inadequacy. It can also be a sibling, uncle, coach, teacher, or anyone else whose critical words left their marks on us when we were children. Second of all, it’s not just the particular people who shaped our lives. It’s also the broader societies in which we live.

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Key idea 3 of 9

Self-criticism can motivate us to a limited extent, but it comes with serious costs.

If you believe in self-improvement, you might be feeling skeptical at this point. “Sure,” you could say. “Perhaps childhood experiences and social pressures trap us in a loop of self-criticism and a sense of inadequacy. But maybe that’s a good thing! Doesn’t it prevent us from resting on our laurels? Doesn’t it motivate us to keep on improving ourselves?”

Well, yes and no.

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Key idea 4 of 9

Harsh self-criticism amounts to self-abuse, which can have serious long-term consequences.

Imagine you and your best friend are walking down an icy street, when, all of a sudden, she slips and falls to the ground. How would you respond?

You probably wouldn’t stand there with your arms folded, saying, “Wow, you’re such a useless idiot. You can’t even walk right.” That would be a very unkind, unwarranted, and unhelpful way of responding to someone else’s misfortune. And yet for those of us who are highly self-critical, that’s how we routinely respond to our own setbacks and suffering.

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Key idea 5 of 9

Self-compassion provides us with a kinder, healthier, and more helpful alternative to self-criticism.

Okay, so self-criticism can be harmful – but what’s the alternative?

To answer this question, let’s go back to the friend you imagined slipping on the icy street. In real life, how would you actually respond to her falling to the ground? Chance are, you’d rush to her side and ask, “Are you okay?” You’d comfort her, and then you’d help her get back to her feet.

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Key idea 6 of 9

Practicing self-kindness means overcoming the notion that we should be callous toward ourselves and our pain.

To see how we can show ourselves kindness and care, let’s start by looking at how we can show them to other people. When someone you love is suffering, what do you do to support them?

Well, it depends on the situation, of course, but usually you’d start with some basic words of comfort. “I’m so sorry you’re going through this,” you might say. Oftentimes, you’d also pair these words with some comforting actions, like a hug, a caress, or simply a hand on the shoulder.

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Key idea 7 of 9

Practicing self-compassion involves putting psychological space between yourself and your suffering.

If you’re still uncomfortable with the idea of comforting yourself, don’t worry. That’s normal. Besides all those Western notions of toughness we looked at in the previous blink, there’s another reason why the practice of self-compassion seems so strange.

The key message here is: Practicing self-compassion involves putting psychological space between yourself and your suffering.

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Key idea 8 of 9

Recognizing our shared humanity with other people is another essential element of self-compassion.

Imagine you thought you were the only person in the world who had a problem – let’s say a fear of public speaking. By feeling all alone with your problem, it’s easy to get down on yourself about it. “Everyone else is fine with public speaking,” you might say. “What’s wrong with me?”

Now imagine if, one day, another person came along and said, “Actually, just about everyone else fears public speaking too. In fact, it’s one of the most common phobias.” In other words, you’re not alone. Your fear of public speaking is a part of your being human – and it’s a part of other people’s humanity too.

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Key idea 9 of 9

Instead of just being an obstacle, self-criticism can be a starting point for self-compassion.

Like many things in life, moving away from self-criticism and embracing self-compassion is easier said than done. If you’ve developed a deeply entrenched habit of self-criticism, it’s not like you can just flip a switch and turn off your mind’s critical inner voice.

In fact, when you first start practicing self-compassion in your everyday life, you may catch yourself engaging in self-criticism and then turning it into yet another thing to criticize yourself about! “Ugh” you might groan. “There I go being self-critical again! Stop it! Be more compassionate!” But ultimately, this is self-defeating. You can’t stop beating yourself up over beating yourself up by beating yourself up.

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