The Explosive Child summary

Think back to your child’s last outburst. What happened? How did you handle it?

You’ve probably been given a lot of advice from well-meaning therapists or self-help books. Give clearer commands and refuse to back down. Pay attention to good behavior and ignore the bad. Give rewards such as stickers or toys, and punishments like timeouts or loss of privileges. 

Here’s the thing about consequences: If they were going to work, they would have by now. It’s safe to say that your kid loves rewards, and hates punishment. The first thing you’re going to have to do is change your perspective on the problem. It’s not a motivation issue.

So, what’s going on? Conventional wisdom says that children do well if they want to – hence the rewards and punishment. However, a better line of thinking is children do well if they are able to.

Your child isn’t unmotivated. No, your child is lacking certain skills – skills that a lot of children and most adults are born with or learn easily enough. These are things like problem solving, flexibility, adaptability, tolerance for frustration, and the ability to regulate emotions.

When a child is expected to do something for which they simply don’t have the skills, the results can be, well, explosive. Whether it’s having to stop playing or not having the cereal they want, these unmet expectations can be a great source of frustration for children.

So they scream. They kick. They explode.

And when the kid realizes that they’re now going to lose a reward or receive a punishment for their behavior, it only adds fuel to the fire.

Children do well if they are able to. Keep this in mind when addressing your child’s behavior. Think of these lagging skills and unmet expectations as unsolved problems that you are now going to define and deal with.

Luckily, there’s a great tool for doing just that. The “Assessment of Lagging Skills & Unsolved Problems” – ALSUP for short – is a free questionnaire and checklist available online that you can use to pinpoint why your child is behaving the way they are.

In the next section, you’ll learn how to identify these lagging skills and unsolved problems, so you can start constructively addressing your child’s difficulties.