Get Out of Your Own Way summary

Self-help. It’s for people having a midlife crisis. Or those looking to “find themselves” after losing touch with their “true self” 20 years ago. It’s definitely not for someone like the author – a person with a loving partner, a few healthy kids, and a respectable career, right?

Even after achieving life’s big goals, Dave Hollis felt unhappy and unfulfilled. He’d come home from a long day at the office and zone out with one too many drinks, too exhausted to really engage with his kids or give his wife the support she needed and deserved. He told himself that this was normal, that he should get over it and get on with life. After all, everyone on the outside thought his life was perfect. And yet he just couldn’t shake how flat he felt, and he had no idea why.

The truth is, when we’re stuck in this kind of a rut, we’re usually paying too much attention to the unhelpful voices in our heads – you know, the ones that tell us we’re only lovable because of our flashy jobs or because everyone thinks we have our lives under control. But the only way we can silence those voices is by challenging how valid each of them is. And to do that, we need to commit to a journey of personal growth.

In these blinks, you’ll discover

• what Eminem can teach you about vulnerability;
• how a well-meaning eavesdropper changed more than one life; and
• why we need to learn another language to have a successful relationship.

A workplace can feel a bit like the savanna. If you’re the zebra with an injured leg, you’ll end up as a lion’s dinner. Similarly, if you’re negotiating a business deal, you don’t want the other party to know your weaknesses. If they do, they’re likely to exploit them.

When Dave worked for Disney, he cast himself firmly in the role of lion. He used a combative approach, concealing any insecurities so they couldn’t be used against him. And while this resulted in plenty of great deals, it came at a price. Dave’s negotiating style made him seem unreasonable and callous, and this distanced him from others.

The key message here is: Being honest about your weaknesses can give you a competitive edge.

Surprisingly, it wasn’t an interpersonal skills course that helped Dave change his negotiating style. It was the final scene of the movie 8 Mile, where two rappers – one played by Eminem – compete in an underground rap battle, each trying to insult the other in improvised verses. As Dave listened to Eminem’s character, B-Rabbit, rapping about his girlfriend cheating on him and being the victim of a malicious assault, he was moved. B-Rabbit wasn’t trying to hide his weaknesses. He was owning them. And by owning them, he prevented his opponent from exploiting them, leaving the other rapper powerless.

This was a turning point for Dave. Instead of being guarded, he became honest and vulnerable. Dave began presenting his weaknesses to whichever party he was negotiating with, framing those weaknesses as strengths. For example, he might point out that his inexperience enabled him to offer a new perspective. 

Dave was so happy with the outcomes of this new approach that he wondered if he could use it outside of the workplace. And so he started to see every interaction that he had with other people as a type of negotiation – from how he motivated his kids to how he communicated with his wife. 

He suspected that, just like in business, he’d been pushing people away by hiding his insecurities. And he was right. As soon as he stopped pretending to be Mr. Invincible, his relationships improved. With his armor off, he was in a better position to receive love and support, and to empathize with others, too. 

Back when he was in elementary school, Dave’s son Jackson wanted to run for class president. Dave encouraged Jackson to go for it. He knew from personal experience that, win or lose, it was an important learning opportunity for his son. After all, he’d run twice himself and lost both times.  

Just like his dad, Jackson lost his campaign. But Dave used the opportunity to teach his son that failing didn’t make him a failure. His family still loved and valued him, and he didn’t have to worry about the opinions of his classmates – at least he’d had the courage to do something that most of them hadn’t. He’d worked hard and put together a great campaign. Sure, the result was disappointing, but it proved that failure doesn’t kill you.

The key message here is: If we want to grow, we have to normalize failure.

It was around this time that Dave was feeling really low about his role at Disney and considering his next move. For too long he’d been running on autopilot and succeeding with very little effort. He also knew that if he tried something different, he’d be inviting failure back into his life.

Dave was operating with what psychologist Carol Dweck calls a fixed mindset. He thought that his talents were predetermined and that his skill set was limited. That’s why he was in the habit of avoiding things he assumed he wouldn’t do well.

But Dweck’s book Mindset taught Dave that some people have a growth mindset. They believe that they can continually improve and develop their skills and talents, broadening their horizons as they pursue new experiences.

The book also taught Dave that we get to choose our mindset. And so, to get out of his rut, Dave had to believe that he could grow as an individual. Just like Jackson, he had to believe that he’d survive the inevitable failures along the way.

Despite the wonderful opportunity that failure offers us, it’s still a major taboo in today’s society. But by embracing things we’re not naturally good at, we can defy social conditioning, become more comfortable with not being perfect, and discover hidden talents we never knew we had.

In 2013, Dave and his wife, Rachel, decided to adopt a child. They already had three biological sons. But without a daughter, their family felt incomplete. 

Three years later, they got the call they’d been waiting for. A social worker told Rachel about twin girls, only four days old and in need of a loving home. The couple took a deep breath and said yes. Their family would finally be whole.

The girls had been with the Hollises for five weeks when another phone call changed everything. While the biological mother had abandoned them, their father wanted custody. And so the couple had to give up the little girls.  

The key message here is: When we stop avoiding pain, it becomes a mechanism for growth.

Despite his heartbreak, Dave knew that they had to keep pursuing their dream. Yes, the thought of going through the same pain with another child was terrifying. But Dave knew they’d regret it if they tried to protect themselves from being hurt again. The only way they could find the daughter they always wanted was to bravely keep going.  

A few months later, after a positive meeting with their adoption attorney, Dave and Rachel were having lunch. As they ate their meals, Rachel asked Dave if he’d gotten in touch with the twins’ father. To help her gain closure, she wanted to bring the girls some gifts. Dave braced himself. He knew that what he was about to say would cause Rachel a lot of pain. The twins’ father had politely told Dave that he didn’t want the Hollises to have any contact with his daughters ever again.

At this news, Rachel broke down. She told Dave that she couldn’t go on. The pain was just too much. And that’s when something incredible happened. The man sitting at the table next to theirs overheard the conversation and told them he was adopted. His parents had gone through many failed attempts before adopting him and his brother. If they’d given up, he wouldn’t be who he was.

This chance meeting reminded the couple of what they stood to gain if they pushed through the pain. And that’s just what they did until, two months later, they found the little girl they'd eventually adopt. They named her Noah, after the stranger at the restaurant. Courage, faith, and love had helped them survive the flood of pain. And in doing so, they knew they could survive anything.

Have you ever spent the day cooking the perfect meal for your partner, only for them to be happy but not ecstatic about your efforts? Or maybe you found them the perfect gift, at which they replied, “Thanks, it’s nice.” Just like that, a gesture that expressed your deep love is dismissed as nothing special.

The reason this often happens is because different people interpret gestures differently. To make matters more complicated, we’re not static beings. As we grow, our needs change. So, that quality time that made us feel connected last year might not be what we need today.

The key message here is: We shouldn’t assume we know what our partner needs.

The more familiar we are with our partner’s unique wiring, the more successful our relationship will be. Luckily, there are many simple tools you can use to get to know what makes your partner tick.

Dave and Rachel used the Enneagram to learn more about themselves and each other. This diagnostic test classifies your primary and secondary personality types, identifying how you behave when things are good and when you’re under pressure. Most powerfully, the Enneagram also sheds light on how different personality types pair with others, explaining why Dave’s “peacemaker” nature paired so well with Rachel’s “achiever” personality.

Dave and Rachel also found the book The 5 Love Languages extremely enlightening. According to its author, Dr. Gary Chapman, most couples don’t share a love language. For example, Dave’s love language is acts of service. He would often run errands for Rachel, thinking that this was the best way to show his love. But Rachel’s love language is words of affirmation, and she would have preferred him to tell her how great she is – which explains why all of Dave’s gestures of service kept falling flat.

Once we understand how our partner gives and receives love, we can learn to speak their love language, and they can learn to speak ours. That way, we’re better placed to negotiate the tough times, celebrate the good ones, and tell them how much they mean to us in a way that matters to them.

Anyone running a business knows that to survive you have to change with the times. Unless your business can adapt to shifts in customer preferences, new technology, or cultural changes, it will die. But even though change can be an opportunity for business owners to be flexible and innovative, change in our personal relationships typically paralyzes us with fear. 

Why is that? Well, we often think the need to change means we’ve been doing something wrong – possibly for years. Instead of entertaining the idea that we ourselves have changed, or that our circumstances have, we decide that we’ve failed. But change is a normal part of any relationship. And to be better partners, we need to get comfortable with that.

The key message here is: To be the best partner, you need to be able to play different roles at different times.

If you think back to the events of the past year, you’ll probably recognize that you needed different things from your partner at different times. For instance, you needed compassion when your father died, but you needed domestic help the week of that huge client pitch. The strongest relationships are those where each partner can identify what the other needs, and give it to them without assuming that they know best.

When Rachel was in the early stages of negotiating to host a cable TV program, Dave learned a valuable lesson in not making assumptions. He assumed that Rachel needed him to save her from any crushing disappointment, so he pointed out that the odds of her landing the deal were about 3 percent. This made Rachel feel like Dave didn’t have faith in her abilities.

Six months later, Rachel told Dave he’d bought her a gift. Playing along, Dave asked what he’d bought. It was a bracelet, with a charm that read “3%.” Rachel had successfully signed with the television network. The bracelet was a reminder that she needed to have faith in herself, even when her husband didn’t.

So how do we avoid making the same mistake as Dave and give our partner what they need? The answer is simple. Just ask them what you can do to best support them. Then be humble enough to listen to their answer. If you can embrace their request, and set aside your assumptions about their needs, you’ll transform your good relationship into a great one.

Dave grew up in a cookie-cutter community – one where everyone looked the same, worshipped the same way, and had the same kind of home life. It wasn’t until he was in his early twenties that he started meeting people who were different from him, including a colleague who became his first gay friend.

Years later, when Dave and Rachel were pursuing international adoption, they wanted to make sure their future daughter could connect with her cultural heritage. To support this, they joined a multicultural church community. This opened Dave’s eyes. 

Up until that point, he thought he had a relatively clear understanding of what it must be like to live in America as a person of color. After all, he’d watched a documentary about the civil rights movement and read a book about Martin Luther King, Jr. But Dave couldn’t have been more wrong.

The key message here is: Don’t assume you can truly understand other people’s points of view.

In 2014, Dave’s church community discussed their fears about police shooting African Americans, like 12-year-old Tamir Rice. A dad from the congregation asked Dave if he’d spoken to his sons about how to stay safe if the police ever pulled them over. Dave was shocked. He suddenly understood how differently the world treated his kids, purely because of their skin color. It had never occurred to him that some parents had to teach their children how to interact safely with the police.

As Dave took part in a workshop on racial reconciliation and listened to the stories his fellow worshippers brought back after a civil rights tour of the South, he realized that he didn’t have the slightest idea about the true impact of racial prejudice. And, as a privileged white male, he never really would. The best he could do was to listen to the experiences of others and practice empathy in an attempt to better understand their lives.

This awakening made Dave look at his workplace with new eyes. He saw that he didn’t know what it was like to be a Disney employee from a marginalized or minority community. And so, in the years that followed, he led initiatives to address the unconscious bias against women, people of color, and members of the LGBTQ community. By acknowledging that he knew nothing about their experiences, he was better able to become their advocate.

Dave loves to run. He’s completed an adventure marathon in the Irish Hills and 14 half marathons. These achievements are remarkable, especially given that Dave didn’t start running until he was 36. 

As a child, he’d been told that tall people like him couldn’t – and shouldn’t – run. And so he didn’t. Luckily, his competitive streak kicked in when a colleague challenged him to a 5 km race. That drive was strong enough to overcome the limiting beliefs he’d carried around since he was a kid.

The key message here is: To truly grow, we must challenge the thoughts that limit us.

Limiting beliefs are negative thoughts we perceive as truth. They draw neat boundaries around us, and we diligently stay inside them. But it doesn’t have to be that way. That’s because where we draw our boundaries is actually up to us. 

When Dave’s colleague suggested the race, he decided to dismiss the lifelong belief that tall people couldn’t run. With his colleague’s support, he began training and regularly entering races. No, he wasn’t great right away. But each race he completed was proof that tall people certainly can run. 

Our limiting beliefs cheat us out of fully experiencing life. We believe that one failed relationship means we’ll never find love, or that one bad interview means we’ll never get that dream job. We stop reaching because we think every experience will have the same outcome.

So what is the root cause of our limiting beliefs? Dave believes it’s fear – of rejection, of failure, or of exposing ourselves as less than perfect. Since no one likes to be ridiculed or judged, we hold on to our limiting beliefs and keep ourselves inside a comfort zone that protects us from pain. 

Recognizing your limiting beliefs is the first step on a much longer growth journey. To overcome the thoughts that hold you back, you need to let go of your long-held positions and entertain the possibility that things can be different. Only then will you be ready to challenge that voice in your head that says you can’t do this, or you’re not good enough for that.

Taking small steps toward your goal will silence that voice. It’ll also open you up to discovering something wonderful, like a love of running. But even more important, you’ll learn something about yourself – that you’re determined, committed, and striving to live your best life.