Stop Self-Sabotage summary

Let’s revisit that example of the unreturned text message. That was the center of a conflict for Alice, whose insecurity about dating and relationships goes all the way back to childhood. When Alice’s boyfriend took longer than usual to reply to a text, she jumped to conclusions and peppered him with questions about whether he was seeing other people or wanted to break up. Eventually, he did, after getting tired of these interrogations.

That story kept playing out for Alice until she learned how to look at it as a sequence and then do her part to change the outcome. 

Now that you’ve done some work on how you think, let’s look more closely at what you do, or as Ho calls it, “learning your ABCs.” The A stands for antecedents, or events that happen before you act. The B comes from behaviors, or actions themselves. And finally, the C is for the consequences that follow.

Let’s see how it works with an example. Take Ho’s client Janie, who struggled to overcome a long history of procrastinating on work projects. She’d fill her time with other things, sometimes even productive ones like household chores or paying bills, and others not so much, like binge-watching a show. Even though Janie didn’t like the consequences of having to work all night and usually turn in work she knew wasn’t so great, she’d still somehow justify her process.

You’ve identified exactly how and why you’ve been blocking your success. Even better, you have the tools for navigating around or removing those obstacles. Now it’s time to refocus your eyes on the prize, assess the path, and create a guide to stay on it. To do that, two things are essential: motivation and willpower. Ho offers exercises based on a method that combines two established psychology techniques, mental contrasting and implementation intentions, or MCII.

The first part, mental contrasting, works by taking a hard look at where you stand now in relation to your future goal, including anything between it and you. This helps you form manageable expectations to get you started and makes it less likely you’ll get frustrated and stop. Start with your goal and rate how much you believe you can achieve it, with 10 being most likely and 1 being not at all. Then, consider every potential challenge. Once you’ve done that, go back and reconsider the rating. If it’s below a 7, adjust your goal. You can change the timing or the outcome or even break your goal down into smaller steps.

Even with a fresh mindset, new tools, and a solid plan, it’s inevitable that there will be unexpected struggles that threaten to blow you off course as you pursue your goal. You may even start down your path and begin to feel like something is off and start to wonder if your original goal is even worth pursuing any longer. No need to feel lost in these situations, you can replace any confusion with clarity by reminding yourself about your values and what matters most to you.

But do you have a firm idea of what your values are? While you probably have some idea, there are many exercises to help you hone in on what matters most to you. Let’s try one.

For this last step, grab all your notes, a poster board, and a Sharpie. You’re going to draw what Ho calls a “blueprint for change.”

First, give it a title and then draw five boxes in a row across the top, filling them with your top five values. Below them, draw a centered, bigger box. Use it to write the specific, attainable goal you came up with in step four. Then, draw lines from the goal to your values. Do they connect in real life? You may see another opportunity for tweaks to make sure they’re in alignment.

If you struggle with self-defeating behaviors you can win the battle with yourself by following a six-step process. It begins with becoming aware of thought patterns, shutting down triggers, and changing unwanted habits by examining and adjusting the situations around them. 

That makes room to create new behaviors and routines that clear the path toward your goals. Practices to build motivation and willpower ensure you stay on course to reach success. Alignment with core values and creating a visual plan will sustain that success.