1-2-3 Magic summary

Do you like your kids?

Of course you love them, and care about them, and want the best for them, but would you say that – for the most part – you actually like being with them? Do you miss them when they’re away, and rejoice when they unexpectedly come home early?

Don’t feel bad if your answer isn't an immediate and resounding “Yes.”

Raising kids is hard and often unrewarding. They don’t come with an instruction manual or warning label, and a lot of parents find themselves overwhelmed and unprepared. The cozy family nights and endless laughter and cuteness that you envisioned before they came along often take a backseat to the tantrums, attitude, and arguments.

Kids don’t always do what you want – they scream when they don’t get candy, or they throw their toys down the stairs, or they hit their siblings. This leaves the exasperated parent to navigate the delicate task of discipline – often resulting in the predictable and tiring process of talk, persuade, argue, yell, and – unfortunately for some – hit. Before you know it the afternoon is wasted, everybody is miserable, and the child hasn’t learned a thing.

Imagine if discipline could be something quick, simple, and consistent. Think of all the extra time you would have to actually enjoy being with your child.

In this Blink you’ll learn a method that has helped thousands of parents do just that. With a bit of preparation, patience, and practice, you can implement these techniques with your kids today, and start living the family life you always wanted.

This isn’t magic, but it might feel like it.

You’ll see.

It’s coming up to 6 p.m., and you are preparing dinner for the family. Or at least you are trying to, but your four-year-old son is screaming on the floor at your feet because you had the audacity to tell him he couldn’t have a peanut butter sandwich. You’ve been here before – books have told you to ignore the behavior, your husband wants to spank the boy, your mother – bizarrely – has suggested a cold cloth on his face. Nothing works.

So today you are trying something new. You look down at the screaming toddler, hold up a finger, and calmly say two words: “That’s one.”

Nothing happens. The screaming continues. You let a few seconds pass, and raise another finger. “That’s two,” you say, clearly and firmly.

Still nothing. The boy has used up his two chances. You take a breath, hold up three fingers and announce: “That’s three. Take five.”

Now off to the bedroom for however many minutes – the general rule is about one minute for each year of the child’s life. When the timeout is over the door opens, and the day continues as normal.

We’ll get to the nuances of the timeout later, but for now let's focus on what you did during the count – or, rather, what you didn’t do. You didn’t add any comments or reprimands during the five seconds between counts. Things like “come on now, that’s enough” or “look at me while I’m talking to you,” turns it into a fight, and any child would love that opportunity.

Note that there was no lecture after the timeout. Your child isn’t expected to explain their behavior, reflect on it, or apologize to anyone. They know what they did. The discipline is over, and everyone moves on.

This might seem deceptively simple at first. When you start implementing the count, you’ll be making it all the way to three most of the time. However, if you stick to the rules and stay consistent, after a few days something amazing will start to happen.

Your child will pull their act together after two. Or even one. Some may even learn to preempt the count, and stop themselves before it starts.

There are, of course, some caveats. If the child is doing something particularly dangerous or unforgivable, then don’t give them two chances to stop. Jump straight to three – and add ten minutes to the timeout if necessary.

Also, spare a thought for what you consider countable behavior. If your child is just fussing because they are uncomfortable, for example, it’s best to address the source of the problem.

With that in mind, you can start whenever you want! Sit your kids down and explain how things are going to go. Do some role-playing so they know what to expect.

Now let’s take a look at timeouts.

Let’s say you’ve stuck to the rules, and your little monster has just thrown her food (or talked back, or whined about dinner) for the third time. You give her a “That’s three. Take five,” and … then what? There are a lot of options and alternatives when it comes to the timeout stage.

Firstly, you need to get them there. A lot of kids will quickly learn to go on their own, but in the early stages they might need a bit of encouragement. A step toward them should send them in the right direction, but if not, you might need to escort them – pulled gently by the arm, or carried kicking and screaming – to the timeout room. Just remember not to say a word.

If they’re too big to wrestle with, or timeout is simply not feasible, you can consider Time Out Alternatives. These could fit the crime – if the kid is throwing a ball inside, then take the ball away.

You could also consider things like earlier bedtime, loss of screen time, or extra chores, to name a few. Be creative, but make sure to keep it fair and reasonable. You’re trying to give them an unwanted consequence, not satisfy a parental lust for revenge.

Okay, they’re in their room. Now what? They stay there for the designated time. Some children will try to leave, which can be countered by blocking the way. You don’t want to turn it into a game, however, so consider getting a baby gate, or even locking the door if you’re comfortable with that. Whatever you choose, the child has to know that they are confined to their room until time is up.

But what if they trash their room? Let them. Hopefully you’ve removed anything valuable, sentimental, or unsafe from it – but it’s their room. They’re free to do whatever they want during timeout.

This includes having fun. The point of the 1-2-3 method isn’t actually the timeout – it’s about the interruption of the behavior. If they go into their room and happily play with blocks for five minutes, you’ve succeeded. They might even stay in their room after it ends, and that’s fine, too.

Finally, what do you do if you’re out in public? The counting process will remain the same – you’ll have to hide any embarrassment or pressure you might feel if you’re being watched. For the timeout, you can use the alternatives mentioned before, or take them to a seat or private place if you think they’ll stay. A secure shopping cart makes a great cage for a toddler.

With timeout out of the way, let’s have a look at another problem you may run into early on: Testing and manipulation.

The 1-2-3 method is pretty frustrating for a kid, and when kids are frustrated by their parents there are only two things they can do: Tolerate the frustration and cooperate, or test, manipulate, and emotionally confuse the parent to get what they want.

If you’re lucky, your kid will learn to cooperate early on. However, if you have a manipulator you’ll need to learn to recognize it and respond appropriately.

There are a few different types of testing that you can expect. For a lot of parents these will be painfully familiar – things like temper tantrums or threats to run away from home. Some children will try to butter you up with declarations of love or promises of good behavior. This can be nice, but ask yourself, Why does this only happen when the kid’s being disciplined?

One of the most common tests is badgering, in which the child tries to wear you down by repeating their request or complaint, or just sings a chorus of “Mom, mom, mom!” They are basically telling you, “Give me what I want and I’ll leave you alone.” Kids can stick with this for a long time.

Some kids turn into little martyrs when disciplined. They’ll tearily tell you how life is so unfair, or claim that you don’t love them. Some will punish themselves by refusing food, or staring despondently out the window for hours. No parent wants to see their children upset or suffering. And children know it.

By far the most common testing strategy is a combination of badgering and martyrdom. You would know this as “whining.”

No matter what your child chooses to do, just remember – they are trying to get what they want. The worst thing you can do in these cases is give in. Sure, the testing will stop immediately, but it will be back in force next time.

So what do you do? Simple. If it’s not too aggressive or obnoxious, just ignore it. If it's particularly bad behavior, then count it! There’s no rule that different misdemeanors can't contribute to the same count, so add it to the count you’ve already started. If they’ve already reached three, start a new one with increased consequences.

Your kids know you love them, so just stay firm and do what you know is best. If you’re in doubt, count!

The 1-2-3 method is great for getting kids to stop doing unwanted things. But as you know, this is only one side of the parenting coin: There are endless things you need them to start doing – things like cleaning their room, getting ready for school, or doing homework.

The counting method will work – to an extent. The catch is, it can only be for smaller tasks. Counting creates a short burst of motivation, which is great if you want them to stop whining or throwing a ball inside, but won’t make a kid get ready for school. It’s best used for something that would take less than two minutes to do – like hanging up a jacket or brushing teeth.

If you want to encourage more long-term behaviors, you have a few options.

Something as simple as positive reinforcement goes a long way. It’s often a lot easier to notice bad behavior than good, so praise can be overlooked. When your kids are quietly playing, acknowledge it. Praising your kids when it is unexpected, or in front of other people, is particularly reinforcing for younger children.

Another useful tool is the kitchen timer. Tell your five-year-old that you bet they can’t take out the garbage before the six-minute timer runs out, and they’ll jump up to prove you wrong. Charting behaviors and setting reward milestones can also be great reinforcers.

All this should be in service of your main goal: Establishing a routine.

Routines are essential if you want your kid to consistently do what they need to do. Take the process of getting ready in the morning, for example. Your routine might vary, but the basic components would be to get out of bed, get dressed, have breakfast, and leave the house on time.

For little kids, timers and basic charts will get this done. Put a star next to each task as they complete it. Older kids can benefit from some natural consequences: Tell them that the morning routine is now their responsibility, and sit back and watch. They’ll quickly learn the importance of getting ready on time.

Similar strategies can be applied to bedtime and chores. Keep it structured and predictable – children don’t particularly like spontaneous requests to do something, and if they see it coming it’ll be less disruptive.

But if they start acting out or doing something they shouldn’t, don’t forget the 1-2-3 method.

You can count on it.