The Optimistic Child summary

So how can you help your child be more optimistic? Many parents and educators think the answer lies in one simple concept: self-esteem. If we encourage our children to feel good about themselves, they believe, then surely optimism and a lower risk of depression will follow. But the link between self-esteem, optimism, and depression is complex. 

Since the 1960s, schools and parents have focused on bolstering children’s self-esteem. Schools ask them to write down all the reasons they’re special, for example, or make posters proclaiming, “I love myself!” At baseball games, parents stand on the sidelines shouting, “You’re doing a great job!” – even when their child is playing poorly. The highest priority, it seems, is boosting children’s self-worth. So why are many of them so unhappy?

How do you define optimism? Many people would say that it’s about adopting positive mantras or visualizing happy outcomes. But they’d be wrong – optimism isn’t about these things at all. Instead, it’s about how you think about the causes of events.

This is your explanatory style. It’s made up of several dimensions, which you use to explain why an event – either positive or negative – has occurred. One of the most important of these dimensions concerns whether you see the causes of events as permanent or temporary. 

When something goes wrong, what do you do? More importantly, who do you blame? For children at risk of depression, the answer tends to be: “myself.” 

Self-blame is their answer to personalization – the assigning of blame when things go wrong. Unfortunately, this leads to chronic guilt, low-self esteem, and depression. On the other hand, children who routinely share the blame with other people or circumstances tend to have higher self-esteem and lower levels of guilt and shame. As you might expect, the optimistic child strikes a good balance between blaming themselves and looking for the cause of failure elsewhere. 

Here’s some good news: with the right techniques, anyone can learn to think more optimistically. To do this, you’ll need to master four basic cognitive skills. Once you do, you can pass these skills on to your children through both teaching and modeling – that is, practicing the behaviors you want your child to learn.

After all, it’s one thing to tell a child something. It’s another to walk the talk.

Teaching your child to challenge their pessimistic thoughts will help them on their way to optimism. But when it comes to raising healthy children, optimism isn’t enough. Once your children begin analyzing their problems accurately, they’ll realize that there sometimes is a real problem they need to deal with. 

In these cases, optimism alone won’t make the problems go away. Instead, the optimistic child needs to learn how to solve them. Many of the challenges your child faces will center around his social skills – and for children prone to pessimism, social relationships may not come easily. However, you can help him in this department, too.