Captivate summary

Have you ever encountered someone who is absolutely magnetic? Such a person can enter a crowded room and instantly capture everyone’s attention. But these people weren’t necessarily born charismatic. In fact, making a great first impression is a skill that almost anyone can learn.

Here’s a handy tool to get started. It’s called the triple threat, and you can use it to hack people’s trust. It’s made up of three simple nonverbal components: hands, posture and eye contact.

It’s pretty common for people to feel one thing and say something entirely different. But by decoding the unconscious facial expressions that all people make, you can determine what they really believe. Dubbed microexpressions by the American psychologist Paul Ekman, these subtle facial gestures flicker across a person’s face before she can control them, revealing her true feelings.

There are seven microexpressions to look out for: anger, contempt, happiness, fear, surprise, disgust and sadness. We’ll explore each one in turn.

Now that you know about the first three microexpressions, it’s time to learn about the others. The fourth is fear and it’s marked by wide-open eyes, raised eyebrows that pull together, horizontal lines on the forehead and a slightly open mouth.

To correctly identify this microexpression, pay attention to the eyebrows. The best way to see whether a situation is safe or whether you should flee is to open your eyes wide – so if someone’s eyebrows and upper eyelids are way up, they’re probably afraid. Furthermore, the slightly open mouth of the fear microexpression allows for extra inflow of oxygen, preparing you to run if necessary. Keep in mind that literally any situation that a person considers dangerous, from finding a spider to encountering a bully, will produce fear.

Have you ever intentionally tried to change your romantic partner? If you have, you probably didn’t succeed. Indeed, altering others can be exceedingly difficult. So, instead of trying to change people, why not learn to spot personality traits before you befriend them?

It’s easier than it sounds. In fact, there are only five major personality traits: openness, conscientiousness, extroversion, agreeableness and neuroticism. They make up the acronym OCEAN, and each is present to a certain extent in every person.

Have you ever heard of neural coupling? It’s a mechanism in your brain that makes it possible for you to conjure up, say, the smell or taste of a delectable chocolate mousse, even when no such treat is at hand. Imagining the dessert replicates the experience you had the last time you enjoyed it.

This same mechanism comes into play when listening to another person’s story. When someone tells you her personal story, you’re easily able to imagine it and therefore connect with her.

Benjamin Franklin, one of the founding fathers of the United States, once asked a political opponent of his to lend him a book that Franklin knew he owned. The rival agreed, Franklin borrowed the text and, after reading it, returned the book with a thank-you note. Interestingly, from then on out, the other politician was much nicer to Franklin.

In fact, it worked so well that it’s since been dubbed the Franklin effect. This term refers to how asking favors or advice can connect you with people by making you appear more vulnerable and therefore more human.