Talk summary

Whether you’re on the phone with your mom or chatting with your taxi driver, your conversations are certain to begin with a greeting, like “Hey” or “Hello,” and an initial inquiry, like “What’s up?” or “How are you?” This initial inquiry is so ingrained in the opening conversational pattern that it feels automatic. But does that make it meaningless?

Well, yes and no.

With books, we’re told to ‘read between the lines’. The words left off the page can tell us just as much as the words written there. The same is true for speech. Pauses, and filler words like “so,” “um,” and “oh” can say just as much as the words they come between.

Let’s start by busting a common myth about conversational pauses. There’s a misconception that when someone pauses before responding to a conversational turn, she’s processing what she’s heard. Perhaps she’s searching for the right word or deciding how to respond. In fact, conversation analysts say that this is rarely the case. Most of our processing takes place during the other speaker’s turn. That’s why conversation moves quickly. 

Ever heard the statistic that 93 percent of communication is made up of body language? It’s widely repeated . . . and it’s totally inaccurate. 

The magical 93 percent number comes from a 1971 study by psychologist Albert Mehrabian. But this study was actually very limited. It asked listeners to judge a speaker’s mood based on the way he delivered just one word. Mehrabian himself has pointed out that, beyond the confines of his initial study, this statistic is totally misapplied.

Hotels often encourage guests to reuse their towels with a sign in the bathroom. But signs that appeal to guests to reuse towels for environmental reasons have proven ineffective. A better sign appeals to social norms, saying something like “Most guests choose to reuse their towels.” Changing the wording of the sign is all it takes to produce a change in guests’ actions. 

This is a classic example of choice architecture, the process of designing the ways in which choices are presented to others in order to secure your desired outcome. Choice architecture can be easily incorporated into your conversational tool kit. 

Ask and you shall receive . . . but what you receive might depend on how you ask for it.

Every day we use talk to get and give help, to receive and provide services. And it’s talk that can provide the key to getting and giving better service.

Have you ever made a half-hearted offer that, to your chagrin, your conversational partner accepted? Have you ever felt forced into making an offer you really didn’t want to make? Making and accepting offers can be a conversational minefield. Here’s how to negotiate it.

Accepting offers can require delicate conversational strategy. If you’re accepting an offer, how can you do it graciously? Try these two simple strategies.

If you’ve ever worked in a customer-facing role, you’ve almost certainly endured HR-mandated conversational role-play designed to improve corporate communications strategy. But sitting across from your boss playing the role of “irate customer” isn’t just awkward. According to conversational analysts, it’s actually counterproductive.

Role-plays and simulations are classic communications tools, but they don’t work. Why not? Because they create an artificial conversational context.