I Never Thought of It That Way summary

Curiosity starts with a simple yet powerful question: What am I missing? This question helps challenge the narrow views that come from sorting, othering, and siloing. When you stay within your bubble, the comfort of familiar opinions shields you from outside perspectives. But asking this question forces you to step beyond your bubble and engage with viewpoints you might otherwise overlook. There’s no easy answer, no quick fix – what’s missing can only be uncovered through real conversations with people who see the world differently. So, how can you begin this process?

The first step is recognizing that everyone views the world differently. Though we live in the same world, our experiences shape our worldviews in unique ways. The question What am I missing? encourages you to see things from someone else’s perspective. When that happens, you’ll experience what Guzmán calls an INTOIT moment – a moment where you realize, “I never thought of it that way.” When you encounter such moments, reflect on how they challenge or reinforce your own views. Did they shake the foundations of your perspective, or strengthen them?

One of the most common traps in conversations is making assumptions about what someone believes. These assumptions can obscure the real person behind their ideas and lead to misunderstandings. While assumptions do help us make sense of the world, they often limit us from seeing the whole picture. Recognizing when these assumptions arise and pushing past them by asking open-ended, thoughtful questions allows you to move beyond surface-level judgments and explore the full depth of another person’s perspective. This mindset opens the door to more meaningful connections.

Think of the story of The Blind Men and the Elephant. Each blind man feels only one part of the elephant – one touches the ear, and believes the elephant is like a winnowing basket; another grasps the tail, and thinks the elephant like a pestle; still another holds the trunk, and believes the elephant is like a plow. Each is convinced their interpretation represents the entire truth, when in reality they’re only seeing a fraction of the bigger picture. Just like the blind men, if we cling too tightly to our limited perspectives in conversation, we miss the chance to see things more fully. By combining perspectives, we get closer to understanding the whole truth. In dialogue, this means staying curious, especially when your own views are being challenged, and actively seeking the parts of the “elephant” you may be missing.

Have you ever watched a movie that left you sunk thinking? Not just because of its plot, but because it connected to something personal? Maybe it mirrored your own experiences or touched on values that you hold dear. A movie resonates with you when it taps into your own life or what matters to you most. In much the same way, conversations are shaped by more than just facts. Beliefs are influenced by the experiences we live, the values we prioritize, and the emotional attachments we form. Understanding these influences in both yourself and others can transform your conversations into deeper, more empathetic exchanges.

Beliefs and opinions don’t just emerge from abstract reasoning – they’re deeply shaped by personal experiences. The way someone sees the world is often a direct result of the events, environments, and relationships they’ve lived through. When engaging in conversation, remember that what someone believes is often the outcome of their personal experience. Instead of focusing on winning a debate, explore how their life experiences have led them to think the way they do. Ask open-ended questions about their background or key moments in their lives to gain insight into their perspective.

There’s an old joke about a boy who walks into a barn and, after seeing a man lowering his pants and a woman lifting her skirt, rushes to tell his dad that they’re going to pee on the hay. His dad laughs and tells him he’s got the right facts, but the wrong conclusion. This story is a reminder as to how easily we can misinterpret what we see, especially when we don’t have all the information. To bridge gaps in understanding, we should approach conversations with genuine curiosity. But curiosity alone isn’t enough – it has to be paired with honesty.

Honesty is what makes curiosity meaningful. If people hold back or mask their true thoughts, no real connection is made. To communicate clearly, both sides need to express themselves fully – and a big part of that is listening. When you listen attentively, this demonstrates that the other person matters. Make sure you’ve understood properly, too, even if that means interrupting the other person’s flow. Try paraphrasing what the person said, and confirm by asking whether you got it right or whether you missed anything. Check that they have understood you, too. You could ask, Does that make sense?