Why We Love summary

For thousands of years, people have wondered what the cause of love is. Some believe it is a profoundly spiritual phenomenon, but modern science has proven that it is the result of chemicals in the brain. In particular, the experience of love is caused by three key neurotransmitters: dopamine, norepinephrine and serotonin. 

Dopamine is one of the key neurotransmitters researchers have found to coincide with feelings of romantic love. In fact, it’s one of the most powerful neurotransmitters responsible for your mood in general, influencing attention, motivation and addiction – all important characteristics of being in love. 

In the previous blink, we learned how brain chemistry contributes to our feelings of romantic love. But romance isn’t the only way we experience love or desire. There are two other forms of affection: lust and attachment, feelings that are associated with the production of specific hormones. 

Let’s start with the juicy part.

Everyone has a different image of their ideal partner: some like them small, some tall, some thin, some fat. Nevertheless, there are certain factors that none of us can resist.

One type of person we all find attractive – no matter our gender – is someone different from ourselves.

As seen in the previous blink, we all share the same biological chemistry that causes us to experience love. But this doesn’t mean that men and women experience love in exactly the same way. In fact, there are some major differences between the two.

One major difference is the characteristics we look for in a partner.

As we get older, we start to discover what we particularly like in our partners: a big smile, green eyes or a good sense of humor. As these details accumulate over time, they form into a love map: a chart in our unconscious mind of all the things  – like eye and hair color, type of personality and sexual preferences – we find the most attractive.

But where does a love map come from? 

Have you ever asked yourself where the idea of romantic love originates from? The answer can be found way back in our evolutionary history.

Some 3.5 million years ago, human beings made a giant evolutionary shift when they started to walk upright. Although it provided them with many advantages, walking on two feet forced mothers to carry their babies in their arms instead of on their backs. And since their hands were full, mothers could no longer gather food for themselves or easily run away from predators. This meant they needed someone – a mate – to stay with them and help keep the children safe. 

In the previous blink, we learned that the first “humans” to experience romantic love probably felt it in a rather primitive way. But along our evolutionary path, our brains’ complexity increased and our capacity to experience love grew.

About 1.8 million years ago, there was a major evolutionary development: the appearance of language, the capability of expressing oneself with words. It’s arguable that there is no better way of displaying one’s romantic love than with language. We can be sure that the first humans’ capacity for love increased when this new ability appeared. Now they could woo, tease and flatter each other with tales, songs and gossip – things that can only be done with language.

We all know that romantic love can ebb and flow: one day you feel immensely attracted to someone, the next detached and indifferent. Love seems to follow its own rules – but that’s not to say it’s uncontrollable. In fact, there are a few things you can do to keep the flame alive.

Like doing new and exciting things.

As most people know, there are few pains greater than being rejected by someone you love. It can make you feel depressed, and want to just lie around all day. But instead of giving up on yourself, you need to stop wallowing in self-pity and take action. In fact, this is the only way to mitigate the pain.

Why?