What is the main message of Fault Lines?

The main message of Fault Lines is to embrace the complexities and contradictions of our lives to find fulfillment.

How long does it take to read Fault Lines?

The estimated reading time for Fault Lines is several hours. The Blinkist summary can be read in just 15 minutes.

Is Fault Lines a good book? Is it worth reading?

Fault Lines is worth reading as it offers valuable insights into navigating the challenges and dilemmas of adulthood.

Who is the author of Fault Lines?

The author of Fault Lines is Karl Pillemer.

Fault Lines Summary of Key Ideas and Review

Name: Fault Lines
Rating: 4.4 (41 reviews)
Author: Karl Pillemer

Introduction

What’s in it for me? Transform your family relationships.

Have you ever had an argument with a family member that was so bad you vowed never to speak to them again? Or have you been cut off by a parent or sibling? If so, you’re not alone. Family estrangements are remarkably common, but talking about them is considered somehow taboo.

People who’re estranged from family members often feel ashamed and alone in that experience. They may want to reconcile but have no idea how to go about it.

That’s what motivated the author, Karl Pillemer, to conduct one of the first in-depth research projects into the topic, interviewing hundreds of people across America. He was determined to learn more about the phenomenon and discover strategies that people have used to reconcile.

These blinks synthesize the key lessons from those interviews and show that when it comes to relationships, second chances are always possible.

In these blinks, you’ll learn

why you should never wait for an apology before reconciling;
how to rewrite the narrative of your relationship; and
why family estrangements have such a powerful emotional impact.

Key idea 1 of 8

Six common pathways lead to family estrangement.

What makes someone decide that they’re done with a family relationship? That they just can’t carry on trying anymore?

Usually, that decision is spurred by a volcanic event like a fight. One woman stops talking to her mother after her mother verbally and physically attacks her for revealing she’s gay. Another man decides he wants nothing to do with his sister after she’s rude to his adopted son at a family reunion.

Events like these can lead you to decide, “I’m done.” This relationship is too complicated or harmful, and I’m better off without it. But even though volcanic events might be the final straw, they don’t come out of nowhere. There are always underlying dynamics that precede it – what the author calls “pathways to estrangement.”

The key message here is: Six common pathways lead to family estrangement.

So what kinds of underlying dynamics can lead to estrangement? The author interviewed hundreds of people and found that several instigators came up again and again.First, people were more likely to become estranged from family if there were traumatic events that had happened in childhood; for example, if a parent was neglectful or if they showed favoritism toward one child. Second, a major instigator of family estrangement is divorce. Children often get caught in the crossfire of their parents’ conflict and can end up losing touch with one parent. Third, in-laws can cause tension in families. For example, conflicts can arise if a new son-in-law doesn't get along with the rest of the family.

A fourth, very common instigator of estrangement, especially between siblings, is conflict over money and inheritance. Even if the estate is equally divided between the children, conflicts can arise over whether to sell a business or family home. Added to this, if for instance, one child has nursed her parents in her last years, she may feel entitled to a bigger share of the inheritance.

A fifth and major source of conflict in families is unmet expectations. For example, parents might expect their children to nurse them in old age and become upset if that doesn’t happen. Lastly, conflicts often arise if a family member has different values from the rest of her clan, for example, if she embraces a religion or political affiliation.

These underlying dynamics can easily set the stage for a volcanic fight to occur, leading to

estrangement, with the effects having widespread consequences for the whole family.

Key idea 2 of 8

Estrangement has devastating effects for the whole family.

Imagine your parents declaring that you’re dead to them because you’ve gotten a divorce they don’t approve of, or a sibling refusing to talk to you because you missed her son’s wedding.

Family estrangements are among the most painful life events which can happen to us. And the impact can endure for years. One woman in her eighties broke down in tears every time she spoke of her estrangement with her sons, even though they’d been estranged for decades.

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Key idea 3 of 8

Estrangement doesn’t have to be permanent.

Cliff had always had a difficult relationship with his younger brother, Harry, who he thought was selfish and uncaring. One night they went out for a drink and ended up having a big fight about politics. Cliff decided he was done with the relationship. He cut off contact and didn’t speak to his brother for eight years.

But then something changed. Cliff had a lightbulb moment when he started getting older, and his contemporaries started getting sick and dying. He realized that he needed to act fast if he ever wanted a relationship with his brother. So he called him out of the blue, and Harry responded very warmly. Now they’re in regular contact and see each other a couple of times a year. The relationship is still complicated, but at least they’re able to be in each other’s lives.

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Key idea 4 of 8

In order to reconcile, you need to let go of your story about what happened.

Cast your mind back to a time that you had a big fight that’s still unresolved. Chances are, the details will be fresh in your mind as you replay what happened, who said what, and how badly you were wronged.

Conflicts – or volcanic events – stay incredibly vivid because we spend so much time ruminating about them. We fixate on the details of the fight as we go about our daily business, justifying why we made the decision to cut off contact or vilifying our relatives for doing the same.

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Key idea 5 of 8

Reconciliation involves letting go of the past and building a shared future together.

Toni remembers her childhood as being emotionally abusive, with neglectful parents. Marsha remembers a warm and stable home. They are sisters and have the same parents, but their memories of the past couldn’t be more different.

These kinds of discrepancies in how we remember the past are very common and can be a major impediment to reconciliation. Often, people say that they can only have a relationship if their family members can acknowledge the reality of what happened. The problem is that one person’s version of reality can be very different from another’s. If we wait for our family members to see things our way, then we could be waiting for a very long time.

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Key idea 6 of 8

We need to adjust our expectations of family members and accept them for who they are.

On TV, in movies, and on social media, we’re bombarded with images of happy families.

But, as we all know, TV reality doesn’t always match up with what actually happens in our families. In reality, family is complicated. And sometimes, your family might be the opposite of The Brady Bunch.

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Key idea 7 of 8

Reconciliation is only possible if the relationship has good boundaries.

Picture the scene: you’ve worked very hard to reestablish a relationship with your mother, who was always very volatile and verbally abusive. You carefully reexamine your story about the past, adjust your expectations of the relationship, and then try to build a new connection with her. But then she becomes abusive and lashes out at you once again.

Fears of this kind of scenario happening are what prevent people from even attempting reconciliation. What if your family members repeat the horrible behavior that made you cut off contact in the first place? Estrangement is uncomfortable, but closing the door completely gives a sense of security. After all, when you open it up again, who knows what could happen?

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Key idea 8 of 8

Only you know when you’re ready for reconciliation.

Arlen was in a Christmas mass learning about forgiveness when he had a lightbulb moment. He realized he had to let go of past conflicts, and decided to contact his long-estranged brother straight after the service.

Just as volcanic events can sever contact in a relationship, lightbulb moments can provide the sudden impetus to work toward healing. In a sudden moment of clarity, you might decide that you’re ready to open the door to your family again.

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