Getting to Zero summary

Do you have an unresolved issue with anyone in your life? If you’re like most people, you probably do – and chances are, leaving things unresolved with that person is a needless drag on your emotional energy. If so, it’s time to get to zero – by thinking inside the box. 

How? Well, start by grabbing a pen and a sheet of paper. Then it’s time to sit down and make your first conflict box.

Do you feel anxious when your partner doesn’t return your text messages? Do you sometimes feel you want to shut the noise of the world out and find a space for yourself away from other people, including your loved ones?

These kinds of feelings arise from your relational blueprint – that is, imprints from past experiences with high-stakes relationships. Those are your relationships with your family, good friends, and partner, and they affect how you’ll relate to others for the rest of your life.

According to self-care expert and author Cheryl Richardson, “if you avoid conflict to keep the peace, you start a war inside yourself.”

Often, children feel they have two personalities. The first is free, wild, and innocent – the true self – while the other is constricted in the face of perceived threats and conforms to the rules of the environment it finds itself in – the strategic self.

Relationships fail because, as the author puts it, “People don’t know how to work their shit out” – in other words, people don’t know how to handle their own reactions or those of the person they’re in conflict with. Think back to your past relationships that didn’t work out and you’ll probably find that this was the case – and that this made it impossible for the relationship to recover from even the smallest bumps in the road.

If you’re like most people, you probably find it difficult to deal with your own discomfort. But the good news is, you can learn. Start by identifying whether the source of your discomfort is internal or external. You might think another person has made you feel the way you do – but other people don’t cause your feelings, they just trigger them. Dealing with those feelings is on you.

Not everyone is a great listener. During conflict, this is particularly so, and you might find yourself becoming defensive very quickly. This often comes down to you and the person you’re in conflict with not understanding each other.

The author’s tool for understanding the person you’re in conflict with is called LUFU, which stands for Listen Until they Feel Understood. There are a few steps to it, but before you even get started, you’ll need presence; in other words, an awareness of your thoughts and feelings coupled with a focus on the other person.

Studies have found that between 70 and 93 percent of communication is nonverbal. So before you even start to speak, remember that your tone of voice, eye rolling, folding your arms, or getting distracted by your phone will all affect the person with whom you want to communicate. If you do these things, you’ll end up moving away from zero rather than toward it.

So sit back, relax your belly and shoulders, and check your tone of voice before you take your turn to speak!

Have you ever noticed that, in long-term romantic relationships, after you’ve moved on from the honeymoon period, little things like your partner leaving the top off of the toothpaste tube begin to bug you? Or worse, you realize that your values are different, or that there are just things you don’t like about the person?

The same things happen in families, close friendships, and even the workplace. When you don’t know how to work through conflict, resentments can fester. But thankfully, most conflicts boil down to five common scenarios – and when you understand them, you can work through them better.

When you were a child, you learned how to deal with conflict by watching the adults around you. But now, you need to take responsibility for how you do it rather than relying on what you learned.

Think for a moment about your own experience. Did adults comfort you when conflict happened? Did people own their part in the situation? Was there an apology, and who initiated it? Or did you simply find distractions such as sports, food, games, or friends to disconnect from the pain?