Good Boundaries and Goodbyes Book Summary - Good Boundaries and Goodbyes Book explained in key points

Listen to the Intro

00:00

Good Boundaries and Goodbyes summary

Name: Good Boundaries and Goodbyes
Rating: 4.1 (55 reviews)
Author: Lysa TerKeurst

Lysa TerKeurst

Loving Others Without Losing the Best of Who You Are

4.1 (55 ratings)

14 mins

Brief summary

'Good Boundaries and Goodbyes' by Lysa TerKeurst is a self-help book that guides individuals on how to set healthy boundaries, learn to say no, and handle endings in life. It encourages readers to prioritize self-care and improve relationships.

Topics

Christianity Love Self-Care

Table of Contents

Good Boundaries and Goodbyes
Summary of 7 key ideas

Audio & text in the Blinkist app

Key idea 1 of 7

What’s in it for me? Learn what you can do about bad relationships.

Too often, Christians assume that love one another and forgive mean accepting bad behavior and sacrificing themselves for the sake of other people’s dysfunctions. According to Lysa TerKeurst, this isn’t only unnecessary, but actually the opposite of honoring God’s will: We were never meant to sacrifice our identity, our health, or our safety in the name of believing in the best in people. In fact, when we do that, we end up perpetuating negative behaviors and bad relationships.

Setting good boundaries means protecting our identity and setting our relationships up for success. In this Blink, we’ll talk about the right and wrong ways to set these boundaries, the role of consequences, and how to know when it’s time to say goodbye. And since this book is primarily addressed to Christians, we’ll adopt the author’s Christian perspective.

Protect Your Identity

Who are you?

Take a moment to really think about it.

What did God intend when he created the unique person that is you? If you can’t answer that question, then you’ve found the root of your boundary problems. The truth is, you have to know who you are in order to set good boundaries.

And you also have to see yourself as being just as sufficient for God’s love as other people are. If you’re giving too much in your relationships because you believe it’s the Christian thing to do, you’re not alone in your misunderstanding of Christ’s command to forgive – more on that in a little while.

One way to really protect yourself from bad relationships is to build your relationship with God by spending time working on yourself. Sometimes when we don’t understand ourselves and our needs, we worry that God won’t be enough to fill the emptiness we’re feeling. This can lead to seeking out that fulfillment in other people.

But other people will never be able to fill that empty feeling inside of you. Only God can do that. So the foundation of any good relationship has to start with you having a good relationship with yourself and with God.

You Can’t Change Them

Unfortunately, achieving better relationships isn’t the finish line of a well-run race. In fact, it’s an ongoing process … and the name of that process is life.

Your goal in life should be to reach strength in your relationship with yourself and with God before seeking out new relationships. On the other hand, you certainly can’t wait for it to be perfect before working with the ones you have. So, one of the tricky things can be identifying when you’re in a damaging relationship.

Boundaries Are About Access

Setting boundaries doesn’t mean refusing to forgive someone or cutting off love. It’s about the level of access you give someone to your heart. Love is unconditional, but access should never be; the amount of access someone has should be directly commensurate to the level of responsibility they display.

Think of Adam and Eve. At first, they had unlimited access to God. But when they disobeyed, they showed a lack of responsibility that required a reduction in access.

Boundaries Are Your Responsibility

To better understand what a good boundary is, let’s first think about what it isn’t. It isn’t a way to perfect someone, enforce your judgment on someone, or punish someone. Boundary setting shouldn’t be done out of resentment or passive aggression.

Boundaries are there to put protection around your identity. While you should always be willing to evaluate and change your behavior, you should never change your identity.

Consequences, Not Threats

Boundaries only work if you apply consequences. This can be tricky, especially if you’re with someone who isn’t being respectful of your boundaries. Keep in mind that a consequence isn’t a threat, a punishment, or an ultimatum.

A consequence must be clearly stated and firmly adhered to. If you fail to follow through on the consequence, the other person will see your consequence as an empty threat. Someone resistant to your boundaries may accuse you of being hard-hearted, of making threats or ultimatums, or of taking things too seriously.

Say Goodbye

As a Christian, you’re called to forgive. And that calling can seem like it’s in conflict with ending relationships. But remember, your relationship with God isn’t unconditional. It depends on your obedience. He’ll always love you, but unless you follow him, you won’t live in eternity with him. That’s the ultimate goodbye.

On the other hand, when Adam and Eve – and by extension, all of humanity – were cast out of the garden, they were given guidelines for restoring our relationship with God. Goodbyes can be for a season or forever. And you may not get to know which is which.

Final Summary

Boundaries and goodbyes aren’t easy, but they’re your responsibility. Love is free to go on forever, but access to your heart or your life should only be given to those who treat that access with responsibility. So, set boundaries to keep yourself whole and protect your relationships. And if the time comes that the boundaries are no longer enough, understand that goodbyes are a part of life.

Want to see all full key ideas from Good Boundaries and Goodbyes?

Key ideas in Good Boundaries and Goodbyes

More knowledge in less time

Read or listen

Get the key ideas from nonfiction bestsellers in minutes, not hours.

Find your next read

Get book lists curated by experts and personalized recommendations.

Shortcasts ^New

We’ve teamed up with podcast creators to bring you key insights from podcasts.

What is Good Boundaries and Goodbyes about?

Good Boundaries and Goodbyes (2022) offers a Christian perspective on setting healthy boundaries and learning when and how to say goodbye.

Best quote from Good Boundaries and Goodbyes

Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it. – Proverbs 4:23

—Lysa TerKeurst

Who should read Good Boundaries and Goodbyes?

Christian women who want to feel healthier in their relationships
Christians seeking a way to balance personal health with relationship health
Anyone contemplating or going through divorce or separation

About the Author

Lysa Terkeurst is the New York Times best-selling author of Forgiving What You Can’t Forget and Uninvited. Besides her work as an author, Lysa is a frequent speaker at the She Speaks Conference and is the president of Proverbs 31 Ministries.

Categories with Good Boundaries and Goodbyes

Communication Skills Religion & Spirituality Sex & Relationships

Book summaries like Good Boundaries and Goodbyes

Forgiving What You Can't Forget

Lysa TerKeurst

Discover How to Move On, Make Peace with Painful Memories, and Create a Life That’s Beautiful Again

25 min

3.7

The Book of Boundaries

Melissa Urban

Set the Limits That Will Set You Free

Why Should I and How Can I?

The Employees, Businesses, and Relationships That All of Us Have to Give Up in Order to Move Forward

13 min

4.0

Boundaries

Henry Cloud and John Townsend

When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life

Training Your Brain and Body to Thrive During Stress and Recover from Trauma

24 min

4.8

Safe People

Henry Cloud and John Townsend

How to Find Relationships that are Good for You and Avoid Those That Aren't

Recognize Your Patterns, Heal from Your Past, and Create Your Self

How the Science of Attachment Can Help You Make - and Keep - Friends

18 min

4.4

How to Think Like a Philosopher

Peter Cave

Scholars, Dreamers and Sages Who Can Teach Us How to Live

The Small Changes That Change Everything

Knowing When to Give It, When to Withhold It, How to Earn It, and How to Fix It When It Gets Broken

Seven Ways to Spark Your Creative Spirit

21 min

3.6

Thinking, Fast and Slow

Daniel Kahneman

Intuition or deliberation? Where you can (and can't) trust your brain

28 min

4.5

The 16 Undeniable Laws of Communication

John C. Maxwell

Apply Them and Make the Most of Your Message

16 min

4.5

The Name of God is Mercy

Pope Francis

Pope Francis's appeal for peace and hope

The 7 Things Resilient People Do Differently (And How They Can Help You Succeed in Business and Life)

20 min

4.5

Living Buddha, Living Christ

Thich Nhat Hanh

Explore the common ground of Christianity and Buddhism

And Other Essential Writings on Success

A Guide to Managing Unhealthy Family Relationships

17 min

4.4

Breaking The Habit of Being Yourself

Joe Dispenza

How to Lose Your Mind and Create a New One

16 min

4.6

Own Your Past Change Your Future

John Delony

A Not-So-Complicated Approach to Relationships, Mental Health & Wellness

Step-By-Step Solutions to Consciously Create the Ultimate Parent-Child Relationship

18 min

4.6

The Addiction Inoculation

Jessica Lahey

Raising Healthy Kids in a Culture of Dependence

18 min

4.2

The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck

Mark Manson

A Counterintuitive Approach to Living a Good Life

How Your Brain Tricks You Into Expecting the Worst and What You Can Do about It

Beyond the Human Predicament

20 min

4.4

The Law of Attraction

Esther and Jerry Hicks

The Basics of the Teachings of Abraham

The Power of Self-Discipline

How Breaking Family Patterns Can Liberate the Way We Live and Love

How to Have Conversations That Matter

A Guide to Compassionate Living

A Simple Plan to Stop People-Pleasing, Reclaim Your Boundaries, and Say Yes to the Life You Want

How to solve big problems and sell solutions like top strategy consultants

A Guide for Occupants

29 min

4.5

Financial Intelligence for Entrepreneurs

Karen Berman & Joe Knight with John Case

What You Really Need to Know about the Numbers

7 min

3.2

Set Boundaries, Find Peace

Nedra Glover Tawwab

A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself

28 min

4.6

On the Shortness of Life

Seneca

Life Is Long If You Know How To Use It

How To Stay Crazy In Love When Your Love Drives You Crazy

Healing the Shame-Fueled Relationship Between What You Eat and How You Feel

The Fight to Master Our Greatest Opponent

22 min

4.4

Every Man's Battle

Stephen Arterburn and Fred Stoeker with Mike Yorkey

Winning the War on Sexual Temptation One Victory at a Time

16 min

3.0

Resilient

Rick Hanson with Forrest Hanson

How to Grow an Unshakable Core of Calm, Strength, and Happiness

26 min

4.5

The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem

Nathaniel Branden

The Definitive Work on Self-Esteem by the Leading Pioneer in the Field

Own Your Morning. Elevate Your Life.

Master Your Mind and Defy the Odds

18 min

4.2

The Power of Unwavering Focus

Dandapani

How to Live the Life You Want

A Brief History of Tomorrow

Explore God, Reason, and the Human Spirit in This Great Work

Critical Thinking in the Information Age

12 min

3.7

People ❤️ Blinkist

Sven O.

It's highly addictive to get core insights on personally relevant topics without repetition or triviality. Added to that the apps ability to suggest kindred interests opens up a foundation of knowledge.

Thi Viet Quynh N.

Great app. Good selection of book summaries you can read or listen to while commuting. Instead of scrolling through your social media news feed, this is a much better way to spend your spare time in my opinion.

Jonathan A.

Life changing. The concept of being able to grasp a book's main point in such a short time truly opens multiple opportunities to grow every area of your life at a faster rate.

Renee D.

Great app. Addicting. Perfect for wait times, morning coffee, evening before bed. Extremely well written, thorough, easy to use.