The Relationship Cure Buchzusammenfassung - das Wichtigste aus The Relationship Cure

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Zusammenfassung von The Relationship Cure

Name: The Relationship Cure
Rating: 4.6 (759 reviews)
Author: John M. Gottman and Joan DeClaire

John M. Gottman and Joan DeClaire

A 5 Step Guide to Strengthening Your Marriage, Family, and Friendships

4.6 (759 Bewertungen)

24 Min.

Themen

Ehe Liebe Dating Freundschaft Die Psychologie der Liebe

Inhaltsübersicht

The Relationship Cure
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What’s in it for me? Learn the key to improving your relationships in every area of life.

“The relationship cure?” It sounds too good to be true. After all, no two relationships are the same; even insofar as we can generalize about them, they fall into many different categories. We have relationships with our romantic partners, friends, coworkers, family, and children. There can’t be a one-size-fits-all solution to the problems of all these distinct groups, can there?

Well, yes and no. There definitely isn’t a magic pill that will fix your relationships in one fell swoop. But there are some general strategies you can learn to help you deal with them better.

How to use these strategies varies from relationship to relationship and from issue to issue, but the underlying principles are the same. And they all stem from the research and ideas you’re about to discover.

In these blinks, you’ll learn

the hidden messages behind our everyday acts of communication;
how to respond to those messages to build closer relationships; and
what one of the authors learned after building a place he called “the Love Lab.”

People don’t form close relationships by simply “opening up” to each other.

What’s the secret to having a happy, healthy, and close relationship with another person?

If you think it’s a willingness to share your deepest, most personal thoughts, feelings, and experiences, you’re not alone. Back in the early 1990s, many psychologists thought so too – including one of the authors. But then he conducted some research into the matter, and the results surprised both him and many others in the field of psychology.

The key message here is: People don’t form close relationships by simply “opening up” to each other.

In 1990, research psychologist Dr. John Gottman and his colleagues at the University of Washington set up an unusual scientific research center. They called it “the Love Lab.” On the inside, it looked like a normal studio apartment, with a kitchen, dining area, hide-away bed, TV, and waterfront views of a canal. Over the following year, they invited 60 married couples to spend a weekend in this cozy setting. Each couple was given one simple instruction: live life as you normally would.

Of course, there was a catch. The apartment was fitted out with four surveillance cameras and a two-way mirror, behind which observers watched the couples for 12 hours a day. The participants were also rigged with microphones and body sensors that watched for symptoms of stress, like increases in heart rate or levels of sweat.

Dr. Gottman collected hundreds of hours of video footage showing the couples’ everyday interactions in minute detail. He then reviewed the tape, searching for examples of partners baring their souls to one another. But though he looked and looked, he hardly found any instances of what psychologists call “self-disclosure.” Instead, most conversations went like this:

“Honey, could you grab me a cup of coffee?”

“Yes, dear.”

Or:

“Hey, check out this comic strip!”

“Shh, I’m trying to read.”

Pretty mundane stuff, right? That’s what Dr. Gottman thought, too. In fact, he feared the whole experiment had been a waste of time. But then, after reviewing the footage for a few months, he noticed something. The key to forming close relationships was staring him in the face, right there in all those banal conversations.

What mattered wasn’t so much what the couples were talking about, but how they were talking about it to each other. And it’s a lesson that applies to all relationships, whether romantic or otherwise.

Bids are the most fundamental units of emotional communication.

A wife asking her husband to get her a cup of coffee doesn’t seem like the stuff of great relationship drama. But put yourself in the position of the wife for a moment. Imagine that instead of saying “Sure, honey,” your husband responded by snapping, “Go get it yourself.”

Do you feel the difference? The first scenario reveals a nice domestic interaction – the sort of thing you’d witness in a loving home. The second is more like something you’d see in a playback reel called “Why We Got a Divorce.”

Bids usually contain hidden messages.

“How’s your day going? Do you have any plans this evening?” These aren’t exactly profound questions. In fact, they might seem like mere “small talk.” And yet, as bids to establish an emotional connection with someone, each can play a crucial role in strengthening or weakening that relationship.

The reason these questions are so important is that there’s more to them than meets the eye.

The hidden messages of bids can be hard to interpret, so respond to them carefully.

So far, we’ve focused on some of the more straightforward bids that people might throw your way. Sure, there are hidden messages behind questions like “It’s a bit chilly in here, don’t you think?” But you don’t exactly need a PhD in psychology to decipher them. The hidden messages aren’t that hidden.

If only all bids were that simple, relationships would be easy to navigate. But, in reality, bids are often difficult to respond to. In fact, they often don’t seem like bids at all.

To understand people’s bids, it helps to know where they’re coming from.

As we’ve seen, bids are often muddled expressions of unmet emotional needs and desires, which may be unclear even to the people expressing them. Perhaps that psychology PhD would be useful after all!

But short of enrolling in a grad-school program, you can still give yourself a major leg up in interpreting other people’s bids – you just need a better understanding of their emotional makeup.

When making bids, reflect on your underlying needs, and express them through soft language.

Let’s recap what we’ve learned so far. First, simple interactions between people are often bids for emotional connection. Second, these bids often contain hidden messages. And third, these underlying meanings are often shaped by a person’s emotional heritage and past relationships.

If you remember this and try to learn more about the important people in your life, you’ll become better at responding to their bids in constructive ways.

If you get your initial bid and bid-response right, you give yourself more opportunity for connection.

The initial bid and bid-response that kick off the first rounds of emotional communication between two people are a bit like the beginnings of a friendly game of tennis. You can think of them as the serve and return volley. If either player mishits this first shot, the game could come to a sudden halt. But if they’re successful, the action is just getting started.

The key message here is: If you get your initial bid and bid-response right, you give yourself more opportunity for connection.

You don’t have to accept a bid at face value to respond positively.

“Uh-oh,” you might be thinking. “Does this mean I have to accept every lunch invitation that comes my way? It sounds like if I decline a bid, or even just fail to pick up on one, I’ll be potentially damaging my relationships and pushing people away from me.”

Don’t worry. The situation is far less extreme than that. Fortunately, you can still turn toward other people’s bids and build connections with them while at the same time declining the requests you’re unwilling, unable, or simply uninterested in accepting. It all comes down to how you respond.

Our patterns of responding to people’s bids can have a big impact on our relationships in the long run.

Think back to your most recent interactions with the people in your life. Did you turn toward, away from, or against someone’s bid?

Whatever your response, don’t lose too much sleep over it. Whether you react to a bid positively or negatively, a one-off exchange won’t save or destroy your relationship. Relationships get built up or worn down over time, through many bids and bid-responses.

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Worum geht es in The Relationship Cure?

The Relationship Cure (2002) prescribes a surprisingly simple solution to the problems that ail many of our relationships. Drawing on psychologist John M. Gottman’s extensive research, its insights and tips are equally applicable to relationships between romantic partners, friends, family members, and coworkers.

Wer The Relationship Cure lesen sollte

Couples experiencing relationship problems
People looking for ways to get closer to their friends, coworkers, or family members
Anyone wanting to improve their communication and relationship-building skills

Über den Autor

John M. Gottman is both a research and clinical psychologist with over four decades of experience. He is currently a professor emeritus at the University of Washington. Together with his wife, he is the cofounder of The Gottman Institute, which trains therapists to apply the principles he’s derived from his research. He is the author or coauthor of more than 190 academic papers and 40 books, including The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, a New York Times best seller.

Joan DeClaire is the director of communications at the Kaiser Permanente Washington Health Research Institute. She has three decades of professional experience communicating health and psychology research to the general public. She has previously coauthored two books with John M. Gottman: The Heart of Parenting and Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child.

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Kommunikation & Soft Skills Liebe & Sex

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