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Zusammenfassung von The High-Conflict Couple

Name: The High-Conflict Couple
Rating: 4.4 (205 reviews)
Author: Alan E. Fruzzetti

Alan E. Fruzzetti

A Dialectical Behavior Therapy Guide to Finding Peace, Intimacy & Validation

4.4 (205 Bewertungen)

18 Min.

Themen

Mindful Loving Marriage Emotional Intelligence Friendship Resolving Conflict

Inhaltsübersicht

The High-Conflict Couple
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What’s in it for me? Learn to understand yourself and improve your closest relationships.

Conflict is a core part of many relationships; perhaps it’s a problem in yours. When things get heated and tempers flare, you may find that your judgment gets impaired or you lash out, leading to problems. But it doesn’t have to be this way.

Alan E. Fruzzetti has a wealth of experience that will help you regulate your emotions and resolve problems in a way that builds longer, more meaningful relationships.

In these blinks, you’ll learn how to get to the root of your conflicts, gaining valuable skills to help you understand yourself better along the way. By giving you the tools to identify exactly what you need, you’ll discover what it takes to stop fights before they even occur.

In these blinks, you’ll learn

that being together and togetherness are two very different things;
how to support your partner’s emotions; and
why mindfulness matters.

Being mindful of your emotional state helps you avoid unnecessary fights.

Think back to the last big fight you had with your partner. Do you remember what caused it, and the emotions you felt leading up to it?

While it’s easy to recall being angry or upset, identifying the feelings themselves can be really hard. We all know that emotions are a central part of relationship conflict, and there’s nothing wrong with that. The problem is when they get the better of you and you end up saying something you regret, or find yourself in an argument that’s going nowhere.

Because as important as emotions are, our understanding of them is often surprisingly limited. And it doesn’t take much to knock us off balance.

The key message here is: Being mindful of your emotional state helps you avoid unnecessary fights.

Everybody has a baseline emotional state where they’re able to think clearly and communicate well. Emotional arousal occurs when something knocks you out of this baseline. It’s not necessarily a bad thing – in fact, research shows that small to moderate amounts of stress keep you alert and improve your performance at tasks.

But, once you move past this moderate level, performance gets considerably worse. Some people reach this point faster than others, but the end result is the same for everyone: instead of thinking clearly, your only goal becomes reducing your feelings of negative arousal.

In relationships, high emotions affect your ability to communicate well. And once you’ve been knocked off your baseline by negative feelings, your thinking becomes more downbeat and judgmental.

Say you’ve been looking forward to spending more time with your partner, but he comes home late. Instead of being clear about how his actions make you feel, if you’re in a state of emotional arousal you might make a nasty comment about him never being around. This would probably knock your partner off his baseline, and the rest is ugly conflict.

Luckily, there are ways to train yourself to stay balanced. One of the most effective is mindfulness, or being more aware of how you’re feeling. In other words, if you can recognize when you’re reaching emotional arousal, you’ll be much better at managing it.

A great way to practice is by learning to describe your feelings without judgment. Ask yourself: What’s going on? What physical sensations am I feeling? This will help lower your arousal and put you in a state where you can assess the situation without creating unnecessary conflict.

Make quality time with your partner fun by staying mindful and creating meaningful shared activities.

It sounds obvious, but in order to come together and reduce conflict, you need to – well – come together.

You see, it’s not about physical proximity – if that was all it took, few couples would ever have any arguments. No, in this context, coming together means being mentally lined up, as well.

To have healthy conversations, you need to be direct and upfront about your wants.

Now that you’ve learned how to have fun with your partner again, it’s time to talk.

Effective verbal communication has two key elements: accurate expression and validation. This means one person talks clearly and honestly, while the other person listens and acknowledges. In a good conversation, these roles switch back and forth, with the two sides taking turns listening and talking.

Validate your partner’s emotions to build trust and quality communication.

Talking’s all well and good, but relationships are about conversations, not speeches. Once a partner tells you how she’s feeling, the other half of the equation is letting her know you’re listening. This is where validation comes in.

In this context, validation means communicating understanding and acceptance. So, while you don’t have to agree with your partner, you do have to acknowledge her emotions. Over time, this kind of active listening builds trust and reduces negative feelings, laying the foundation for real communication.

Analyze your problems if you want to find the root cause and come up with a solution.

Good communication won’t stop problems popping up in your relationship, but it will give you the tools to manage them. Notice the use of the word manage instead of solve. That’s intentional. Talking about solving a problem implies that you do something and it goes away forever.

But that’s not how most relationship issues work. Think of them like your bills: sometimes they’re predictable and sometimes things pop up suddenly, but you know you need to keep an eye on them because finances are always changing. Relationships are the same way.

Accept the things you can’t change by finding new meaning in your partner’s behavior.

Here’s a secret: you’re never going to solve all of your problems.

Of course, that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try. With good communication, you and your partner should be able to manage most issues that come up. But part of being in a relationship is learning that getting close to someone means you won’t always get your way.

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Worum geht es in The High-Conflict Couple?

The High-Conflict Couple (2007) is a guide to overcoming the common relationship pitfalls that lead to conflict and animosity. Drawing upon years of psychology research and therapy experience, Alan E. Fruzzetti explains where conflict comes from and how it can be reduced.

Wer The High-Conflict Couple lesen sollte

Couples tired of fighting with each other
People who struggle to accept the things they cannot change
Anyone wanting to be more present in their own life

Über den Autor

Alan E. Fruzzetti, PhD, is associate professor of psychology and director of the Dialectical Behavior Therapy and Research Program at the University of Nevada, Reno. He provides extensive training, supervision, and consultation for DBT treatment programs and DBT research in the United States and abroad. Fruzzetti is also research director and member of the board of directors of the National Educational Alliance for Borderline Personality Disorder and a co-developer of the Family Connections Program.

Kategorien mit The High-Conflict Couple

Sex & Relationships Mindfulness & Happiness Psychology Communication Skills

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