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Zusammenfassung von Mating in Captivity

Name: Mating in Captivity
Rating: 4.5 (377 reviews)
Author: Esther Perel

Esther Perel

In Search of Erotic Intelligence

4.5 (377 Bewertungen)

24 Min.

Kurz zusammengefasst

Mating In Captivity by Esther Perel is a thought-provoking exploration of the challenges and complexities of maintaining desire in long-term relationships.

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Sex

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Mating in Captivity
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What’s in it for me? Discover how to keep passion alive in a committed relationship.

Remember those heady days of early romance with your partner – the delicious anticipation you felt before a date, the thrill of your first kiss? And how beautiful was it when you both confessed your love for each other? That growing emotional intimacy guided you to the next phase of love: a home together, perhaps some kids.

But everyday demands made your sex life fizzle out. You just don’t have the time or energy for passion. With a sigh, you resign yourself to this new type of love, one where you’re emotionally – but not physically – connected. You’re thinking it’s inevitable that passion fades in a long-term relationship, right?

No, it isn’t. Long-term commitment doesn’t have to spell the end of eroticism – that burning, sexual desire you once felt. Once you understand what keeps passion burning, you’ll have enough fuel to feed the fire for the rest of your life.

In these blinks, you’ll discover

that a degree of selfishness is essential for passion;
why aspirations of egalitarianism need to stay out of the bedroom; and
how admitting you have a crush helps you and your partner stay together.

Passion withers when we expect our partner to be our main source of security.

Humans are contradictory creatures, longing for both security and passion. We feel secure when our relationship is stable and consistent. But passion is allergic to these qualities. It wants danger, mystery, and the unexpected.

The key message here is: passion withers when we expect our partner to be our main source of security.

Life is unpredictable and having a supportive infrastructure around us eases our anxiety. But many of us have abandoned the institutions – like marriage and religion – that gave our predecessors a sense of security. Now, we expect our partner to be everything: our rock, best friend, confidant, and lover. But this places a huge amount of pressure on them. And pressure is fatal to passion.

Seven years into her relationship with Alan, 38-year-old Adele found herself in this situation. A successful lawyer and mother to 5-year-old Emilia, she was happy in her marriage, most of the time. But she didn’t feel like a sexual being – only a mother and wife. And she didn’t see Alan as sexual either. Passion in their marriage was killed by the safe routine they’d created to manage their busy life together.

So, how do partners find a balance between security and eroticism?

We must start by letting go of the fantasy of security. Every relationship holds the risk of loss. We like to believe that love will last forever. But death could end even the most loving relationship. In accepting the impermanence of life, we can stop clinging to routines in our relationships that make us feel safe. This guides us into a place where we can rediscover mystery in our partner. And mystery arouses excitement.

One day Adele experienced a breakthrough at a work function. She saw Alan talking to some colleagues and noticed how attractive he was. In that moment, she forgot all the mundane interactions that filled their lives – like their bickering about the mess he left in the bathroom. Instead, she observed his smart, sexy vibe. He was more than just her husband, and it turned her on!

It can be challenging to look at our partner with fresh eyes because seeing them as an individual threatens our sense of security. But by finding the courage to do so, we’ll constantly find new things about our partner to explore, and this can help us reignite our passion.

To keep passion alive, couples must retain their individuality.

If you’ve listened to the radio today, you’ve likely heard a song about two lovers becoming one. This is a common narrative. It might surprise you, then, to learn that while closeness fosters love, it suffocates eroticism.

The key message here is: to keep passion alive, couples must retain their individuality.

Talking isn’t the only language of intimacy.

Contemporary society is obsessed with connection. Social media is proof of that. In fact, we’ve grown to equate intimacy with sharing. We believe that by sharing our words, we’re conveying our true essence, which will build meaningful bonds with others. And while that’s true, we’re overlooking a crucial fact: there’s more than one way to create emotional connection.

The key message here is: talking isn’t the only language of intimacy.

Our contemporary ideals around egalitarianism and safety have depleted our capacity for eroticism.

Think about the last love scene you watched in a movie. No doubt, it involved racing pulses, a dance between resistance and submission, and, finally, the blissful surrender to sensual abandon. In other words, it probably wasn’t a scene of polite courtship. But this is fundamentally at odds with Western values.

The key message here is: our contemporary ideals around egalitarianism and safety have depleted our capacity for eroticism.

How we experienced dependence and independence as children shapes our ability to engage with eroticism.

When 12-year-old Dylan’s eyes filled with tears at his mom’s funeral, his father told him not to fall apart. From that day on, Dylan hid his emotions so that he wouldn’t disappoint his dad. He never expected the impact this would have on his sex life as an adult.

The key message here is: how we experienced dependence and independence as children shapes our ability to engage with eroticism.

Eroticism can only survive parenthood if couples actively choose to prioritize it.

There’s a cruel irony in that babies – almost always the result of sex – spell the end of many parents’ sex lives. And this happens irrespective of how a baby enters the family, or the gender or sexuality of their parents. Whether you’re genetically related to your baby or not, your bundle of joy will jeopardize eroticism, no matter how good your sex life once was.

The key message here is: eroticism can only survive parenthood if couples actively choose to prioritize it.

Viewing sexual fantasies as a window into our erotic needs helps energize passion.

Sexual fantasies have a bad rap. Viewed as sinful by many faiths – or even perverted by modern psychology – fantasies are a taboo we lock in our personal vault, fearful of the humiliation we’ll feel if they’re discovered. But if we set aside our cultural attitudes, we can see fantasies in a new light.

The key message here is: viewing sexual fantasies as a window into our erotic needs helps energize passion.

Acknowledging the presence of temptation helps negate the risk of infidelity.

How many people are in a monogamous relationship? Two, right? Wrong!

Agreeing to renounce all others and commit romantically – and sexually – to just one other person doesn’t make temptation cease to exist. For a long-term relationship to last, it’s important to admit that being committed doesn’t make other people unattractive.

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Worum geht es in Mating in Captivity?

Mating in Captivity (2006) explores the question that everyone in a committed relationship asks: Is it possible to sustain passion over a long period of time? Author Esther Perel believes it is, but she thinks we can only generate sexual excitement by reassessing modern ideals around commitment and better understanding how our personal histories affect our behavior in the bedroom. If we can do this, we’ll fuel our relationships with the mystery and excitement that keep passion burning.

Bewertung von Mating in Captivity

Mating In Captivity (2006) offers valuable insights into sustaining passion and desire in committed relationships. Here's what makes this book exceptional:

It challenges conventional wisdom on love and intimacy, providing a fresh perspective on long-term relationships.

The book combines psychological research, cultural analysis, and real-life case studies, making it both informative and engaging.

Its focus on the complex interplay between love and desire offers readers practical advice for maintaining passion.

Revitalize your relationship with the insights from Mating In Captivity.

Bestes Zitat aus Mating in Captivity

Erotic entitlement is built on a relaxed, generous, and unencumbered attitude toward the pleasure of the body.

—Esther Perel

Wer Mating in Captivity lesen sollte

Long-term lovers wanting to reignite passion
Couples who are emotionally – but not physically – intimate
Parents with a lackluster sex life

Über den Autor

Esther Perel is a New York based psychotherapist, known for her groundbreaking approach to personal relationships. Drawing on over two decades of experience as a couples therapist, Perel’s first book Mating in Captivity became a New York Times bestseller and was translated into 24 languages. Her TED Talk reached over 5 million viewers in its first year, and her podcast, Where Should We Begin?, allows the listener to be a fly on the wall during her therapy sessions with couples.

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