Mating in Captivity summary

If you’ve listened to the radio today, you’ve likely heard a song about two lovers becoming one. This is a common narrative. It might surprise you, then, to learn that while closeness fosters love, it suffocates eroticism.

The key message here is: to keep passion alive, couples must retain their individuality.

Contemporary society is obsessed with connection. Social media is proof of that. In fact, we’ve grown to equate intimacy with sharing. We believe that by sharing our words, we’re conveying our true essence, which will build meaningful bonds with others. And while that’s true, we’re overlooking a crucial fact: there’s more than one way to create emotional connection.

The key message here is: talking isn’t the only language of intimacy.

Think about the last love scene you watched in a movie. No doubt, it involved racing pulses, a dance between resistance and submission, and, finally, the blissful surrender to sensual abandon. In other words, it probably wasn’t a scene of polite courtship. But this is fundamentally at odds with Western values.

The key message here is: our contemporary ideals around egalitarianism and safety have depleted our capacity for eroticism.

When 12-year-old Dylan’s eyes filled with tears at his mom’s funeral, his father told him not to fall apart. From that day on, Dylan hid his emotions so that he wouldn’t disappoint his dad. He never expected the impact this would have on his sex life as an adult.

The key message here is: how we experienced dependence and independence as children shapes our ability to engage with eroticism.

There’s a cruel irony in that babies – almost always the result of sex – spell the end of many parents’ sex lives. And this happens irrespective of how a baby enters the family, or the gender or sexuality of their parents. Whether you’re genetically related to your baby or not, your bundle of joy will jeopardize eroticism, no matter how good your sex life once was.

The key message here is: eroticism can only survive parenthood if couples actively choose to prioritize it.

Sexual fantasies have a bad rap. Viewed as sinful by many faiths – or even perverted by modern psychology – fantasies are a taboo we lock in our personal vault, fearful of the humiliation we’ll feel if they’re discovered. But if we set aside our cultural attitudes, we can see fantasies in a new light. 

The key message here is: viewing sexual fantasies as a window into our erotic needs helps energize passion.

How many people are in a monogamous relationship? Two, right? Wrong!

Agreeing to renounce all others and commit romantically – and sexually – to just one other person doesn’t make temptation cease to exist. For a long-term relationship to last, it’s important to admit that being committed doesn’t make other people unattractive.