We Over Me summary

Do you want to feel better, more recognized, and more appreciated in your relationship? Well, stop thinking about yourself, and start thinking about your partner.

This advice might not sound like it’s going to solve your problems. But believe it or not, it’s been tried and tested by Devale and Khadeen Ellis – the podcasting duo and social media sensations also known as “The Ellises.” 

Here’s the rationale behind putting “we” before “me” in relationships. In any relationship you have to ask yourself, Do I have the desire and capacity to serve this person? So many people make the mistake of focusing on what their current or potential partner can do for them, whether it's to support them emotionally or provide for them financially. But if you’re only focused on what you can get out of a partnership, you’ll never grow as a couple. 

You might feel that focusing on fulfilling your partner's wants and needs feels more like putting you before me than we before me. But guess what? If your partner adopts this same mindset, they’ll be doing the work to put you first, too. And when you’re both focused on serving each other, then you’ll lift each other up – and as a couple, you’ll reach far greater heights than you could have dreamed of reaching as individuals.

In Khadeen’s words, marriage is a service-based industry. For your marriage to work, you both have to serve each other. Here are a few more counterintuitive lessons Khadeen and Devale have learned along the way:

Not everyone is equipped for a relationship. If you’re someone who knows you can’t commit to serving your partner, be honest with yourself about that. And if you’re partnered with someone who can’t – or won’t – commit to serving you, it might be time to move on.

Love isn’t easy. Sure, it might feel easy at first, when you’re riding that addictive high of novelty, romance, and lust. But beware anyone who tells you that your relationship should never feel like work. Without addressing problems, facing challengers, and navigating conflicts, your love can never last.

You have to love marriage, not just a person. When you marry someone, you can’t just commit to them – you need to commit to the idea of marriage, too. People change. They surprise you. They disappoint you. When you commit to marriage as a concept, you commit to weathering those changes, those ups and downs, together – and coming to peace with the fact that the person who was your perfect soulmate on your wedding day, won’t always live up to that ideal. And neither will you. And that’s OK!

Your marriage won’t solve your personal problems. Single people who spend a lot of time on dating apps often tell Devale and Khadeen how wild the modern dating world is – a jungle of inflated egos, unhealthy behaviors, and unresolved baggage. Guess what? Coupling up won’t cure any of those problems. If you’re in a relationship, use the tools you need – like meditation, journaling, and therapy – to keep working on yourself as well as your partnership.